The Cronicles of a Tree-Hugging Basketcase

20 October 2009 @ 12:57

fuck. my. life. seriously. this is ALL my fault! D:

oh my god I hate myself SO badly right now
excuse me while I jump off a cliff

allow annie to make me feel better

UGH
so, this past weekend was totally lazy for me
sunday I hung out all night with renee an jarell who are back from college for the weekend

it wa AWESOME
and they left at around...1 ish

so the next day was monday, so I decided to stay home for the day
I used the day to recoupeate, sleep in, chill out, and get some rest
I called a few friends to take nots for me in the classes I missed

WELL APPARENTLY
MONDAY WAS THE ONLY DAY OF THE WEEK EVERYTHING FROM ALL OF MY CLASSES WAS DUE
MY GOD HOW DID I MISS THAT

apprently, I missed the dealine for my math homework
AND the deadline for my english confrence
I ALREADY MISSED THE IN CLASS DISCUSSION
AND NOW I AM MISSING THE CRITIQUE

the worst part?
I only hve ONE critique to do
it wuldhave litterally taken me 3 minutes to complete
BUT I TOTALLY FORGOT
AND NOW THE ASSIGNMENT ISNT AVALIBLE

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL

the math homework isnt TOO big of a deal I supposed
at the end of term, we get to take off the 3 lowest homework grades
as luck would have it, I missed exactly 3
so I just have to get a 100 on all my other homeworks for that to be OK

with english, its a little mor complicated
apprently, sinceI missed two parts of the confrence
I also get 2 absenses
so along with not being able to miss ANY more days in english for te rest of term
the HIGHEST I can get on this confrence would be a B
and thats if I SOMEHOW manage to make my paper SO KICKASS that it wont matter
which, prolly wont happen

there goes my perfect record
>:(

at least Im not missing anything in soc
in fact, I got some extra credit today
in mythology? I am already missing...I think 3 classes
so I have to be present to ALL of them for the rest of the year
but thats slightly OK since gracie took my nots yesterday
and I aced all my tests and quizes

ugh
I cant believe it
I was doing SO good!!
>:(

well...oh well
I was really out of it yesterday anyway
it the the 3rd day in a row I had a bad dream about zombies
today I had another bad dream about zombies AGAIN
but it wasnt THAT bad
in this one I was prepared and lived

I suppose the ONLY silver lining I have is that I drew a shitload yesterday
I churned out 4 drawins in 19 hours
thats pretty effing good!!

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14 October 2009 @ 23:34

feel my heart beat feel my heart beat feel my heart beat!

this song is SO stuck in my head!!
:D

anyway
today was a cold, miserable day
I over slept
so i didnt have time to check the weather
which means I didnt dress appropriately
which means I ALMOST FROZE TO DEATH

today was the first 50 degree day of October
and Im literally saying FINALLY
today it was col and over cast and i could see my breath

it would have been awesome if I wasn't wearing thin stockings, flip flops, a skirt, and a t shirt
I WAS SO COLD ALL DAY

and becuase I rushed to get out on time, i forgot A LOT of stuff
which means I forgot my math things, calculator, and food
PLUS since I forgot my calc, the lab i had today was EXTRA HARD
AND I didn't even make it to english
which was the only class I WAS prepared for

it was a deliberately shitty day
but despite that....it was still a good day
I think it was just becuase of the OMG COLD

and today I got to have Chinese food
becuase I didn't have breakfast
and i had pizza for dinner
which was GREAT becuase it was FRESH
the cheese was almost liquid becuase it was SO hot
it
was
AWESOME

and then I came home, ate pizza, and watched shutter
it was....stupid
but i love stupid scary movies
they make me feel like not such a scary cat

I ALSO GOT TO TURN ON THE HEAT TONIGHT
IT WAS 69 DEGREES IN THE HOUSE
SO I GOT TO TURN ON THE HEAT
AND IT WAS GREAT
BECAUSE IT WASN'T HOT, IT WAS LIKE DRY HEAT
AND IT SMELLED LIKE DUST
IT WAS SO GREAT
I LOVED IT
I GOT TO WRAP MYSELF IN BLANKETS AND DRINK HOT COCOA

hahaha
I love winter
SO MUCH

tomorrow will be the same weather
so that means i get to wear my boots!
YAY!!
:D

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12 October 2009 @ 23:06

Ugh stupid day

I knew it was going to be bad today
but before I complain, quick recap:

work: I made 100$ this weekend
ren fest: I went with courtney and it was GREAT
zombieland: saw it with courtney after ren fest
bloom: I came to see Jeremy. he grew a beard.

alright
now I can start on today

so today I woke up at 8 to the sound of a loud clicking
apparently, burning in the night, my favorite huge candle melted all the way down
the wax seeped from the top of my shelve, and spilled everywhere
by the time I woke up, the wax covered the floor and all my books, and my old alarm

I was so tired, i ignored it and went back to bed

so then I woke up at 12
and then cleaned up the mess

then i had to go out and get more hot coco
so i went to sams club
I got sort of lost getting there
it was raining, and nothing good was on the radio
i was let alone to think all by myself

it was nerve wracking

when i got there, i realized that shopping alone was such a depressing experience
seriously, I felt old, and out of place
and the rain didn't help
it made everything a soggy chore

when I got home, the only good thing about the day was putting my niece to sleep
there is something about putting a baby to sleep that's just...comforting
and watching them sleep
and making a bed out of blankets to house her while she sleeps

the only thing to kill my mood was Jeremy
he IMed me about my status which was about me not knowing exactly what to do
he wanted to know what was up
I told him nothing, but her persisted
and I snapped at him
I didn't mean to, but I think i seriously hurt his feelings
I feel bad
but...the status was sort of about him

its just that...Im so confused about me and Jeremy
sometimes, like yesterday when i saw him and his facial hair brushed against my face for a second
or the other day when we were talking about sex over the phone
times like those, I am so attracted to him
its unbearable
his voice can make make my skin tingle
and i get SO jealous when he talks about other girls
I dont want him to move on from me

and then other times, I am totally not
like when I think about how hes still in high school
or how hes kind of a downgrade for me, judging by his looks
or how hes not taller than me like all my other boyfriends
or how Im just not attracted to his looks
these times, I just wish our relationship would stay over the phone and online

and then other OTHER times, i just like us the way we are
we are like best friends
he understands me like a lot of people just don't
he calls me beautiful, always listens to what I have to say, and we have a lot in common

all these moments rolled up into one person
a lot of them happen multiple times a day
I have no idea how to deal with it
I don't know what to do

one part of me wants him so badly
and we COULD work
theoretically
he would treat me right
and I KNOW hes a good candidate for sex
i don't even have to question it like Jake

but I have to remember
I am good at fucking things up
in fact, you could call me a professional buzz kill
I mess up EVERYTHING that i try to take to the next level
and even though eh could tell me that i have nothing to worry about
its not ABOUT him
its about ME
and how I cant deal with BEING with anyone
it would take the BOTH of us to make it work
and I know from experience that I cant force myself to like someone, even if they are perfect

and it makes me think...about Robbie
is Jeremy my new Robbie?
think about it
Robbie was perfect for me
he was my best friend
he complimented me all the time
he always listened to be
he understood my how no one at the time did
he we had a lot in common, he got the things others didn't
and I KNEW he would be good for me
he would know how to treat me and take care of me

but I wasn't attracted to him

there were little parts of him i wanted though
little parts of Robbie that I wanted to badly, I was willing to risk everything
the way his voice got raspy from talking to me late at night
the way he could lift me up
how soft his lips were, and how affectionate he was
his hair, and his hands
little things that I loved

but they weren't enough

Jeremy is EXACTLY the same way
and we are heading down the same road
the EXACT same road
just a little of a year Robbie died, and when I SWORE I would never do this to another boy again
here I am, a year later
fucking over some guys emotions becuase I cant make up my mind

what am I going to do?
am i even capable of liking someone else?
or...am I really scarred so badly that this will be my pattern forever?

or...should i just force myself to like this guy?
and...is that even possible for me to do without messing everything up?

or...will Jeremy die like Robbie did? still loving a girl who had no idea what she wanted?

...I just...have no idea where to turn
I don't know whether to tell Jeremy or not either
Im afraid he wont understand, and that he wont heard what i mean
Im afriad hell be mad at me for mentioning Robbie again
Im afraid of what he thinks

I obviously have a lot on my mind with this issue
its really killing me
I haven't talked to him all day
the other night we talked until 6 am
and the convo got pretty heavy
I think that maybe, had he been in the room, I would have just ripped off my tank top right there
sometimes I want him so badly
and he makes it apparent that he wants me ALL THE TIME
but I just don't know if that feeling is good enough to act on
I thought about it the WHOLE car ride
it almost killed me
I came close to crying right in the car

I just don't know anymore

so after I sent that IM to him, and he never answered, the family came over and we hung for a bit
that was nice
it helped pull me out of my shitty depressed mood

but then I went upstairs
and started to work on a painting i have been trying ti finsh for AGES
I finally finished it
and while doing the final touches
PHOTOSHOP SHUTS DOWN ON ME

fuck
FUCK
FUUUCCCKKKK

I was so mad
Im still mad
im furious
that just fucked me ALL up

now just...want to go to bed
but I feel bad missing out on a perfectly good night to work on art and stuff
maybe ill watch some TV or a movie
that usually helps when Im in a really shitty mood

usually

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10 October 2009 @ 15:15

bad dreams make me talk alot apprently

EDIT:
get ready for a long dream description
and a long 'my life is awful' speech
and then a semi long nostalgic monologue
the dream is in blue, for easy reading
thank you

god
I had a bad dream
it was terrible

well
it wasnt really THAT bad
its just how I feel afterwards

it was one of those: 'the world is ending' dreams
but ti didnt start out that way

in the beginning. there was a class trip to paris
my parents wouldnt let me go
so I got mad, yelled at them,
and then they told me WHY we couldnt go to paris
and they said we were moving

and...I coudnt take it
I screamed, and cried, and yelled
I didnt want to move

so I ran away

me courtney and renee went to paris
and I brought my cat with me

on one of the tours duing the night, the 3 of us snuck away
we went on rooftops and just walked and talked together
my cat followed us up, and started to run around

I was afriad that she would fall, it was a long way down
so I tried to get her to come to me
and apprently jnxy thought we were playing
she ran from us, and fell off the roof
she landed in a tree, and fell from it

when we finally got down, she was a kitten
and she was playful and tiny
so I took her back with us to the hotel

then the trip was over
and I missed my parents
but when I came home, they were gone
I couldnt find them

so me, renee, and courtney stayed at my house to keep me company
my kitten jinx was being really weird, and the sky was turning red
so me and renee looked at the news while courtney went outside to see if she could get cell phone reception

the news said that the world was ending
that a sickness was coming, and we didnt have long

I was scared
I wanted to see my parents before I died
but I didnt know where they were
and courtney hadent come back yet
she disapeared
and jinxy was gone too
courtney had left the door open

so renee suggested we go back to indy
maybe people were staying there

we drove down there, and it was mass chaos
the building had no electricity
and people were running around screaming, breaking things

when we got there, my parents were in this classroom on the second floor
I was so happy to see them
but then I couldnt find renee
she was gone

but it was OK, becuase I had found my mom and dad
and we hid in the classroom from a while

but then we realized we had to leave
so we took the car, and decided to see if we could hide at the movies
but the movies were full of people watching this weight loss documentry, and the colbert report
it was so bazzar
and the woods had taken over half the theater
so the place was covered in leaves and grass

it was so weird

then finally, we lef the movies
and we were about to give up
when there was this big boom, and everyone around me disapeared
and I was all alone in this deserted crumbling city with a red sky
my parents were gone, my friends were gone, and I was all alone

then I woke up

man
I hot totty really took it out of me
it knocked me out for 13 hours
I just woke up

Im still sort of shaken
but this apacolypse dream wasnt as bad as that one I had this summer
this one was more silly
and I could see the aspects of my life is applied to
my want for a kitten
the fear and depression I have felt since courtney told me that shes transferring out of CP early
shes leaving in the spring
my fear ym my parents are going to die, or leave me soon
the fear that renee isnt my best friend anymore
the way I miss highschool so bad its hurts my chest sometimes

just alot of things that I keep putting on the back burner of my mind
Im just...living day to day
focusing so much on school so that I dont have to think about how shitty my life is right now
I have made no new friends at college, I have yet to loose my v-card, I am incapable of loving ANYONE worht while
(and that has nothing to do with jake, I honestly dont care about him
its jermey I care about. I feel so awful that I cant love him the way he loves me JUST becuase hes short and unattractive)
AND I am loosing all my friends
courtney is LEAVING me
and we all know she wont talk to me once shes gone
renee is ALREADY gone, and prolly having so much fun without me that shes forgetting my name
and jarrell, who is always my fallback, hasent called me since august. he doesnt even care anymore

Im afriad that Im being left behind
Im the only one without a plan or anything
everyone, even courtney and alex, are going on to bigger and better things
and Im still...here...
Im still in the exact same spot of was in 4 years ago
I am even treating guys the same way I did 4 years ago (jermey and jake are good examples.)
will I ever progress?
or am I REALLY going to die in 2012 the same way I lived for the past years?
is my life going to amount to nothing?

the only thing I have going for my is school
Im making almost striaght A's in all my classes
its all I have to hold on to
my intelligence that I never thought I had
its the only thing that I can focus on so Im not a manic depressive about how shitty my world is

ugh
Im just disapointed in my life
and I dont know what to do about it

BUT
when I dont tink about that
everything is great
I have plenty of money
my job is awesome
my car is the best thing ever, and I love driving
I am about to have the best weekend ever
Im doing great in school
and the presence of autumn is REALLY making me feel better
I honestly sit in front of my window and listen to the leaves fall all the time now

its this time of year I like to think about how great my childhood was
I dont kid myself though
I know I had a shitty childhood too
I was a loner, even as a kid
I had ne friends, no confidence, and I didnt have any of those 'oh I remember' moments that my other friends have
you know, things like 'I remember playing tag after school'
'or I remember my best friend growing up'

I didnt have that
but my childhood was still good
most of those good moments were spent alone
either outside, looking at the sky, reading books, or walking in the woods talking to myself
or inside, having fun with my parents, playing with my toys, or curling up in bed watching cartoons
but I wont lie, MOST of it was watching cartoons

maybe thats why I like cartoons so much now
they really did shape my childhood as a kid
I suppose I have such a passion for them NOW
is becuase it helps me feel really connected to them
and I hope Im helping to make the same kind of memories for some other kid, you know?

maybe the reason why I am feeling so nostalgic is becuase its fall
october really is the beginning of my favorite 5 months
becuase when I was a kid, ALL the best stuff happened in fall/winter
I have traditions that I have kept the same for years, just becuase thats how I did it when I was a kid
like, every daylight savings time in olcotber? I take off the screen in my window, so I can sit out on it
or every weekend leading up to ocotober? I tape the 13 nights of halloween on ABC family
I like to watch scariest places on earth, and kikis delivery service
OVER AND OVER AGIAN
I have seen them so much
they just make me feel better from the familerity of them

but now, I think im babbling
so Im going to wrap this up:

pretty much:
Im worried that everything seems to have changed around me
but I havent at all
I feel the same
I like the same things
I act the same
and now Im wondering if things will ever change for me
or if Ill just die this big huge failure

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08 October 2009 @ 20:24

OK I'll stop procrastinating now

today
was a surreal day
but good

today, I woke up REALLY sick
but i went to class anyway

on the way to class, this REALLY old guy saw me and held the elevator for me
he asked me if i was OK
and i said i was sick
and he smiled and pulled some tea packets out his pockets
it was like this old no brand name green tea stuff
really authentic
he told me that I should make some tea and then I would feel better
and all i could say was thank you when he rushed out of the elevator

WEIRD I KNOW
I feel like if I actually drink this stuff
ILL GET POWERS OR SOMETHING
wouldnt that be AWESOME?

after that, I went to soc, and i didn't pay attention at all
becuase its stupid
>:(

and then I hung out in my car for lunch
I just listened to the radio and read a book

until math
we got our test results back!
AND I GOT A 100 ON MY TEST
A 100
AS IN A PERFECT SCORE
IN MATH

:D
I love college

so then I came home
and watched the MOST AWESOME MOVIE EVER
Titan A.E.

I have never heard of it before
and it comes on all the time
but I thought it was a normal boring live action movie

NO
IT WAS A CARTOON
and i ALWAYS give cartoons a chance

so I watched it
and I am glad i did
it was amazing

don bluth never fails to impress me with his knack for creating my favorite movies
seriously, that guys is brilliant

too bad TAE was one of the biggest flops from him ever
it cost 75 mil to make, and they only pulled in 9 mil in the end
it actually led to them closing down fox animation studies
which is sad, becuase they were the ones that came out with Anastasia and everything

WHICH ALSO
CALE, THE MAIN CHARACTER IN TAE LOOKS A LOT LIKE DEMETRI FROM ANASTASIA

I CALL SHINANEGINS

ok so those aren't the BEST pictures
BUT THEY WORK OUT
you would just have to see it
I seriously kept thinking that Cale WAS Demetri
SERIOUSLY
HE EVEN HAS THE SAME VOICE
MY GOD

haha
so i had a good day
and now i have to stop procrastinating and do my english essay!
later!!

OH MAN I FORGOT
I broke up with jake today!
I left a message on his wall on FB

I know, its a little sudden
but i was just at my limit
i would just...rather be single
even though I wished i had done something more devastating
I feel like this is equally as good, you know?

I don't really fee any different though
just the same
its prolly becuase I never really considered him my boyfriend

go figure
:)

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07 October 2009 @ 23:39

retro autumn

what a good day!
I love October

today. after a tiny study session with courtney
me and here went walking in mcalpine park
it was nice
the weather was good
and we got in about an hours walk, and about 4 miles

the best part?
I GOT TO DRIVE MY CAR TO AN FROM

then i went to the bistro, got a salad, and went home
and since then, I have been watching old Halloween movies
scary god mother, the witches, scariest places on earth
really old stuff, from my childhood

after a while , I decided to organize my oh VHS tapes
I labeled all of them
and got some ready for tape overs
I have A LOT of tape overs
which is good
ill need it for this Halloween season

so now i am just wind down
I am going to make a weight loos journal before bed

all in all, today was a good day
Im satisfied
:)

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07 October 2009 @ 12:54

OH DEAR GOD 2 WEEKS IM SORRY

you prolly thought I DIED right?

SORRY TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE
BUT IM ALIVE AND KICKING BITCHES
>:D

haha
but for real
Im just SO BUSY all the time!!
but I secretly love it

but lets recap these past few days shall we?
lets see, alot of the events are fuzzy
where did I leave off...
last journal was on sunday september 27th!!
MY GOD
IT WAS BACK IN SEPTEMBER

well its october now
and ALOT has changed!

1. Idependence in the form of a moter vehicle!

we FINALLY got my car up and running
we got it new spark plugs, new tires, got it inspected and registered, and I got my parking pass
uncle reggie even washed and waxed it for me on saterday!
EVERYTHING is finally set up

today was my first day driving to school on my own
it was SO awesome
I wasnt nervous or anything
I felt completely in control, and independent
I even stopped on the way to school and got a muffin!
I got into the parking deck with no problem
and I sat in the my car for 30 minutes, eating breakfast, and studying for my test, listening to the radio

it was GREAT
I loved it
and I love my car
its perfect
I can do SO many things now!!

2. Jake and the hopeless date

I went on my first date the other day
YES MY FIRST DATE
why I have never been on one before is beyond me
I suppose I never had a need, I would see my guys at school

but last friday, I went on a date with jake
we were double dating with alex and HER boyfriend
(who jake told me are having crazy sex all the time
which is...ugh gross
but thats just becuase to me, alex is so innosent and pure
I try to think of it this way though: at least he treats her right
he may not be cute, but hes a good person
and if thats what alex wants, its a good thing
in fact, I envy her
I wish, for once, I could love someone for more than thier looks
BUT ANYWAY)

so we went to the movies
jake picked the ugly truth
which I have seen aready
it was even less entertianing than the first time
but jake paid for me,
so it was a free movie anyway
who really cares if it sucked?

in the movie, jake also kept trying to grab my hand, and cuddle me
its not only the fact that i dont even like him
but his breath was SO rank, i didnt even want to be 2 feet near him
let alone cuddle with him
and when I WOUDLNT cuddle with him he would tickle me
thats right
TICKLE ME
in a publice movie theatre
WHAT THE HELL MAN
how old ARE you?

after the movie, he drove me to work
I was SO happy to be out of his car
both rides, to and from the movies were awkward and silent
even when it got too silent for him, all he would talk about was weed and stephanie, his lesbian drinking buddy
LIKE I CARE
jesus
can I for once just find a guy with SUBSTANCE?

when he dropped me off, I almost fell out of the car from trying to get away
I planted a quick kiss on his lips, just to shut hm up before I had to leave
I really didnt want him to come in work with me
DEAR GOD NO

so the date was....not dismal, but not enjoyable either
if it was with anyone but jake, it would have been great
but it WAS with jake and he is really really REALLY annoying
hes not even good looking to me anymore
hes just repulsive, and lacking substance
like, I just want to get this break up over with really
this date showed me that Ill never be into him
even the sexual things arent good anymore

its prolly a good thing I didnt really waste too much energy in him
I have actually given up on the whole, 'im going to really fuck him up with this break up'
I just want it over

3. Weight Loss Journal?

which is located at Hey Big Girl!
my 'diet' is going really well
i am noticing that its really easy for me to cut down my calories
Im already loosing weight, from not even exercising!
I started off about 109
but now, if youll believe it, I am down to about 105
I dont even know how its possible!
but I checked last night, and its amazing!
I think Ill have to add a weekly weight in
just so see my progress

I also love this det, becuase it really is helping me out
I dont feel bloated and gross anymore
I actually have moe energy for the day
its great

4. I love college

I have been VERY busy with college
but so far, I am a really good student
i have been making striaght As in math and myth class
and I am guessing a have a B in english
sociology? Im not SO sure
but I did take a test yesterday that i am SURE I aced

5. The little things:

-I ended up not getting the kitten, but reggie found me a YOUNGER kitten for no money at all. shes even spayed!

-mom and dad keep hinting at texting! I am so excited!

- I made 90$ this weekend. It pissed chirstian off, but I didnt really care
shes starting to get annoying me anyway
shes very sensistive in a way that, when someone tells her to do something, shell get an atitude
HELLO, IF YOU CAN FOLLOW ORDERSM DONT BE A WAITRESS
she has no room to talk about sam sam, who can at least follow orders
she may be slow, but shes a hard worker, and she LISTENS

- from that 90$, I think Im going to get another MP3 player. I need one

-the rest of that monvey WENT TO GAS D:

- yesterday, me and courtney had strawberry shortcake on the roof of the parking deck. it was great.

- also yesterday, I left my phone on courtneys car and thought I lost it. that killed my mood. BUT SHE FOUND IT!! :D

- there is FINALLY fall weather in charlotte. cooler days, colder nights
I FINALLY feel at home now
this summer was brutal, and I missed the cold
I wondered if it was ever comming back

- also with october comes some really good moods on my part
I now get to look forward to my favorite holidays until febuary
halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, new years, my birthday
oh yes, this is the beginning of smooth sailing!!

-Im actually sick at the moment
but I kind of miss being sick
I dunno why
but I totally miss it
I have a sore throat and the sniffles
I GET TO HAVE SOUP AND GRILLED CHEESE
its great!

- I seriously love jermey smith
he gets everything about me
I have never met a boy like that

- I have taken to watching movies during my breaks between classes
watche you tube sutff, like The recess movie (recess: schools out)
and X men evolution
the WHOLE show is on youtube
its fuckign awesome

- I also draw too much in my notebooks, but not what I am supposed to
Like, I have 8 million comissions
but...I just doodle
:)

WELL
I DO BELEIVE THATS ABOUT IT

just a quick recap
you know, so i can start writing regularily
if I have the time!

Later!

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27 September 2009 @ 22:05

OMG TODAY IS EPIC

what a productive day
:D

so as you prolly already saw
i made a new account!

Hey Big Girl!
(clicky!)

ADD ME!! :)

this account is for my weight loss blog
I have decided to try and loose 80lbs by next year
but the HEALTHY way
not like a retard

I made it becuase i didn't want to spam this account!
you can thank me later

so anyway
pretty successful and productive day
i made that account
finished up my english assignments
got all my math stuff done
kept a food diary (more like FOUND one)
AND I DOWNLOADED THE NEW REAL PLAYER

for those of you who DON'T GET HOW EPIC THIS IS
Ill tell you why it is:

this new real player allows me to download stuff of firefox
so I don't EVER have to go on internet explorer with this computer ever again
ALSO this real player lets me convert video files into music files
its QUICK and SO AWESOME OMG
becuase if I can find music on youtube
then I can fut it in my ipod as music
and not have to resort to limewire
becuase sometimes, stuff is is so rare that its on youtube, but not limewire

Namely movie soundtracks
I now FINALLY
after YEARS of waiting
have an MP3 collection of the 'an American tail' soundtrack
this is a pretty big achievement for me
seriously

SO I'm pretty stoked
I spent a good chuck of the day when I wasn't working, finding impossible songs on you tube
original Disney soundtracks, nix the singing songs
and a bunch of other cartoon soundtracks
plus, there are PLENTY of songs that I love
that i cant find on limewire, but that are on youtube
sometimes are are specific versions of a particular song, or just a rare song
so this will allow me to have ALL my music ALL the time

now I just have to get a new MP3 player
I have been shopping around amazon
and have found some EXCELLENT ones for about 60$
Im looking for a 3GB one, or 2000 songs
I already have over 1000

I dont want an ipod
and I hear zunes are AWFUL
(I have one, and it IS)
I have had an RCA before
actually 2
and they both were awesome, but not that durable

so, with the money I saved from not getting a kitten
I can now get an MP3 player

once I sift through these 13 pages of customer reviews
well at least I am shopping smart!

but either way,
today was an an excellent day

minus the fact that I am pretty hungry
but its for a good cause
:D

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27 September 2009 @ 14:40

OH SNAP NEW ACCOUNT

GUESS WHOS STARTING TO GET SOME GOALS IN LIFE
hopefully this new jorunal will help me in my journey!!

Hey Big Girl!
(clicky!)

ADD ME!! :)

I made a new account on LJ
Im not abandoning this one
I just have something else I want to focus on in a journal
and I dont want to spam my regular account

see you there!

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27 September 2009 @ 00:24

CH CH CH CHERRY BOMB

well, that was fun

soooooo
boring weekend?

work friday
saterday I cleaned my room
did homework
more work

boooorrrriiinnnggg

although
last night I took my first ride in SHELLY
it was AWESOME
:D

also
my mom said I actually COULD get this kitten
but...now I am having second thoughts
I mean, I DO want another cat
but after reading about it, that would be ALOT of work
I would have to introduce her to jinxie
and make a space for her
dad would have a hernia
and I KNOW mom wouldnt attend to a kittens needs while I am gone
she has NO repest for animals
she would even care that jinxie has to get USED to the new kitten
and when jinx attacks her, she would prolly think shes playing
thats not a good home for a kitten
plus, her adopton fee is 88$
I dont have that kind of money
I mean I DO
but I have other expences now
namely a car, and I want a friggin MP3 player
and I havent been getting good money from the bistro lately
(we filed for bankcrupsy)

so....I dunno
I really, really, REALLY want this kitten
really
but it seems like so much trouble
and...well....

I have a perfectly good cat at home
:)

so...even though I CAN
I dont think I will
maybe when things arent so hectic
and I can actually give my time to a new cat, you know?
I dont want to adopt her and ignore her
she deserves better

in other news...um....
well there really IS no other news

I mean, I have the typical drama
like the ongoing fight between jeremy and jake
jeremy likes me SO MUCH
last night we were on the phone until 4 am
and at the end, he was kind of like
'jess, before you go, I just want to know
WHY arent we together?
you HATE your boyfriend, and we connect so well'

I just didnt have the heart to tell him its becuase he looks like a troll

so I told him that i thought we had something better than that
I told him that I try not to date guy friends, becuase I always fuck it up
I fuck THEM up especially

but yeah
Im not dating him becuase hes unattractive
call me shallow all you want
but thats my reason
fuck everyones opnion

I mean, if Im not turned on by him
WHAT IS THE POINT OF BEING WITH HIM?
I cant have sex with his personality
were better off friends for all my attraction to him is worth

jake on the other hand
hes an asshole
I hate jake
he cant have an intellectual conversaion to save his life
he calls me for the DUMMET things
he always wants me to go and and smoke/drink with him
hes protective, annoying, conceited, over-bearing, egotistical, chuavanistc, over conpensational, immature, anti soical, and all around unitelligent person
HE CANT EVEN APPLY FOR COMMUNITY COLLEGE
all he does is smoke weed and drink all night and day
and STILL has room to critisize everyone else becuase they are making something of themselves
('oh, well at least Im doing somthing I ENJOY. Im better than everyone. blah. blah. blah.)

but the ting with jake?
hes hot
like, really hot
the way he does his hair, and the tight t-shirts he wears
the way he shaves and the colonge he wears
god, I getting horny just THINKING about him
Im seriously attracted to him

but Im thinking
if I slept with him
...I know I would hate myself
I KNOW I would
like, I know after we are done, and Im lying next to him
Im going to want to throw myself off a cliff
becuase I an do SO MUCH BETTER
like, everyone knows it
I can do EXPONETIALLY BETTER

ugh
if only I could put jeremys personality, into jakes body
or something like it
then I would be set
I would have the perfect man

but hey
what can I do?
I can break up with jake already, thats what I can do
but since I havent dated anyone in FOREVER
I kind of want this to go out with a bang, you know?
something REALLY malicious
like, suiside worthy

I know I know
Im a mean little girl
but fuck you and fuck your opnions
Im sick of having to answer to people about how mean I am
Im a bitch
so what?
everyone is
Im just more ruthless and upfront about it

and this time
I REALLY want to make jake feel like
like, seriously
FEEL IT
I want to let him know how STUPID he is
I want him to know that hes a sad excuse for life in general
someones got to do it

uuugghhhh
I dunno why Im being so mean
maybe its the whole 'im not going to adopt this cat' thing
I really wanted her
but everyone is giving me such a hard time about it
and its not like it costs alot
thats really not that much for a pet who has all thier shots, a microchip AND is spayed/neutered
its just that I think that she deserves a better home
one where all the people arent always busy and never around to play with her
I have college, and work
and mom is getting a second job on top of the bistro
dad is either at work, or at the bistro
and I KNOW jinxie is terratorial, so kitten would be left all alone
I think she derserves better
but I still want her
;______;

I just....need to go home and ug my own cat
another reason why I figured I dont want another cat is becuase I dont want to replace jinx
thats messed up

another reason why Im in such a bad mood is becuase of work
I mean, Im still having fun
chrsitian is awesome
I LOVE that girl
shes funny, can take a joke, and knows how to play it cool
she also likes to talk about people with me
plus, shes fast and I dont have to help her as much with her job
she independent, a fast learner, and doesnt complain on the job
its just little things
like my parents slowly running out of steam with this bistro
we have been open a year, and nothing has gotten better
and then, other things
like now that we have 3 waitresses
no one is making as much as they used to
ESPECIALLY me
since I used to have a night ALL TO MYSELF
and now I have to share with sammi and christian
I mean, the only reason we got christian was becuase sammi was quitting
and now we have 3 girls working on the already slow friday night
non of us are making more that 10$ a nigh on friday
and Im used to having a night on my own, where I an garunteed 20$

its just supid
but mom doesnt want to get rid of anyone
she doesnt think I can handle it on my own
HELLO?
I HANDLED IT ALL ON MY OWN PERFECTLY FINE FOR HALF A YEAR AGO
AND WE WERE BUSIER A YEAR AGO
we really dont need either sammi OR christian, you know?
but she wants to be prepared for some reason
so she hired them
but if you asked me opnion
we only need one of them really
this is getting silly
I work 6 hours for 10$?
NO thats not even close to worth it

but getting a second job kind of isnt going to do it for me
I DONT do uniforms, I DONT do rules, and I DONT min wage for a job I dont EVEN LIKE
like jeremy makes the same as me, or even less
but he HATES his job
I love my job

and plus
I couldnt work at a real job
I do stuff here that would GARENTEED get me fired at a real job
like sexual harrassment for fun
and not following rules
and FUCK the dress code
I havent worn pants since september 2008
I am NOT starting now
and i HATE tucking in my shirts
D:

well
thats enough complaining for now
Im stariting to sound like a drag

Im really fine you know?
college is going great
I have NEVER gotten better grades
Im even pulling As in MATH
MATH YOU GUYS
As

I got a 99 on one test
WHAT THE HELL
:D

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25 September 2009 @ 12:13

ugh

I am SO tried
like, seriously

well actually, Im not
Im kind of OK
ive just fooled myself into thinking I was tired

last night I pulled my first all nighter
and it was SO STUPID OMG

I had to go get a copy of my keep made for my car
so I did that, and then I had to return a few DVDS, go grocery shopping and some other arrands for my dad
which was OK I guess
I love driving

but the problem is that when I got the bistro, Bobby and Diane were there
and I owe them a commision
due tomorrow

FUCK

and its a complicated peice of shit
I have to drae old dead rockers
and a sunset
and a mall complex
and fucking ANGELS

what
the
FUCK

and I have had all summer to do it
but I havent
and they want it FRIDAY (today)

so I sped home, and got started
but then I realized that my english critiques were due
AGIAN
FUCK
>:(

so pretty much, I stayed up until 3 am working on the pianting on and off
and while the painting dried every couple of minutes, i went to work on english

Once I got englhish done, I had the BIGGEST headache EVER
seriously
I felt like I was going to throw up from the pain

the painting is actually almost done though
I mean, its a peice of shit
but they should know it was going to be
I am a CARTOONIST
drawing real people isnt exactly what I do
Im not even good at doing those big headed drawins you get at carnivals
(are they called...characachers? D:)
so this painting was already a bust

but its OK looking
the sunset is nice
and the piant I used adds a nice texture

when I get home today, I have to add the finishing touches
you know, shading, a littled but of marker, re outline everything
and also make bobby and diane a little note about thier painting
since it was actually made a peice of mourning for bobbys dead friend

over all, I think Ill charge them 25$
I mean, its peice of shit, you can tell I did it last minute, and I have been bullshitting them this whole time
so....cheap art for them
:D

also, I feel like a jerk
yesterday, just for fun, I called the pet shelter to ask about thier kittens
and some guy just called me back and wants to meet me on monday to see this kitten hes got
he sent me pictures and her info

and I feel AWFUL
she is SO FRIGGIN CUTE

shes a black cat, her name is vivan
she has all her shots, shes microchipped
shes spayed and everything
and she is SO ADORABLE
and apprently very friendly

god I feel like an asshole
WHY did I do that?
this guy sounded so hopeful
shes been in foster care FOREVER
and he finally thinks she can get out

oh em gee
I feel like crap
but mom and dad will NEVER let me adopt her
like, EVER

I feel awful
;______;

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24 September 2009 @ 02:05

new perpective

LOTS GOIN ON IN THE PAST FEW DAYS
I SHOULD PROLY TELL YOU GUYS ABOUT IT
:D

SO GUESS WHAT
I FINALLY SAW
JENNIFERS BODY
:D

I went to go see it with courtney
ON A SCHOOL NIGHT

it was kind of awesome
being out on a school night I mean
oh and the movie was good too

it was like juno and twilight met, and had a baby
and thier kid turned out to be a bloody demonic psycho
IT WAS AWESOME

seriously
and me and courtney had the movie theater to ourselves
SO IT WAS EVEN FUNNIER
like, we luaghed over EVERYTHING

best movie this year
:D

also, the day after
MY DADDY GOT ME A CAR
guys, I have a CAR
A CAR

he bought it from these old people for like, 900 bucks
which is awesome becuase its a chevorlet lumina
its green, has no divider between the seats (easier for KISSING), and the gear shift is in the stearing wheel

its awesome
and I hae named it SHELLY
she looks like this:

shes not EXACTLY what I wanted
wanted something smaller
but thats cool
I really like it
its a nice color (a little lighter than this)
and she runs well
dad says she needs new tires
but other than that, shes golden

she aslo needs some fabreeze
but I didnt tell daddy that
:D

so yeah
good week so far
I am slowly trucking through my work
but you know what I notice?
I procrastinate SO much
when I actually DO the work, its SO much easier than what I thought it would be
like, it takes 45 minutes
D:

so yeah
tonight I have some math to knock out to study for my test in the morning
and then I have to get through my english critiques
THATS what Im REALLY dreading
english critiques are the worst
becuase instead of being blunt about it
I HAVE TO BE NICE

OMG WHAT THE FRICK
IF SOMEONE CANT SPELL
THATS NOT MY FUALT
WHY SHOULD I REWORD MY WHOLE CRITQUE JUST SO I DONT HAVE TO HURT SOMEONES FEELINGS

thats super annoying
like, seriously
super
ANNOYING

but whatev
another reason wh I hate the english critiques is becuase I have SO many things to worry about
I have 8 critieria I have to cover
I have to give compliments before I critisize
AND everything has to be grammatically correct AND use examples from the text

can
you
say
annoying
5timesfast?

I cant
lol

UGHHHH
some librarian lady just told me to keep my music down
I was in the quiet room, which is a room that is blocked off from the rest of the library
which is good, becuase then I dont have to worry about bothering people if its blocked off
and NO ONE was in here when I got here
but suddenly this old black woman came in here
and apprently she complianed

I SHOULD WAIT UNTIL THE LIBRARIAN LEAVES AND THROW STUFF AT THIS BITCH
>:(

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21 September 2009 @ 11:58

fuck spell check

seriously
fuck it
in the ass
with a rake
NO LUBE
:D

yeah no firefox to fix my bad grammer
if you can understand this, Im sorry
:(

OK FUN TIEMS

LOL
FUNNIEST THING EVER
WERE TESTING THE AIR COMPRESSOR
-ARM FLAIL-

also
this is just cute and hilarius
:D

lol
good stuff
shane dawson is kind of boss

anyway...uh...brief recap of my weeks events...
umm....friday I had work
and freaked sammi out by kissing her
which was friggin hilarious
when I told jeremy about it, he lol'd for like, 8 minutes
she felt like she was cheating or something
XD

I dunno,I just have no boundries
I mean, saturday, I totally changed in the back
and christian walked in and was like 'OMG I CAN SEE THINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO BE COVERED BY CLOTHES'
and I just alughed it off

my mom thinks I should make it worse for sammi
like, mess wih her some more
but I dont think I will
if it freaks her out THAT bad, I dont want her to quit

sothen saturday, we had soundbridge,and I made a cool 70$
and since we prepared for soundbridge, we didnt get slammed
we had a full house, but we were prepared
and for the most part, things went smoothly
and when I was done, I was tired al hell
oh man, my feet havent urt like that in LONG time

also on saturday, me and dad when to a car auction
which was a total bust
like, 600 people showed up for about 200 cars
for the most part, delerships were there and won most of the bids
since this was daddys first auction, we didnt stand a chance
he was so quiet, and un assertive
it was...kind of sad, hes such a lamby lamb

he fel so bad that he couldnt score me a car, that hes just going to buy me a used one
I told him not to worry too much, that I dont mind watng for a car
and I am good wit anything I got
as long as its not boxy, not white, and desnt have leather seats
othr than that, i told him o get me any shitty car he can find for a good price
and I can work it

sunday I spent inside doing...really nothing
I washed my hair and striaghtened it
if that counts as something
but it prolly doesnt

so now Im in the library
I didnt have english today, so my first calss was humanites
and then I came here on time JUST to find out that it was canceled too
fucking GREAT
so here I am
4 hours arly for math
with no courtney or anyone to keep my company
and I REALLY want chinese food
:(

oh well
I'll get over it

hmmmm
what else is happenin in m life?
ummm...I have been daing jake for 4 weeks
and I have somehow managed to avoid seeing him without that stretch of time
he has stopped stalking me and simply IMs me all the time now
Im thinking of breaking up with him via webcam video and just ending it there
like, forever
fuck even attempting to give him a chance
or maybe once I get a car, I can surprise him with a visit to his house
then I could get down to the sexy tiems with him
and then break up with him once I get dressed agian

oh man
how epic would that be
:D

haha
bitch mode

so yeah
im bored
boed
bored
bored
:\

Tags: spell check fuck it

Loco: your mommas house -OHH BURN-

Tunes: UGH NOTHING AND ITS WIERD

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17 September 2009 @ 14:48

wow, its been almost...3 weeks. jesus.

sometimes I wonder if I should start these journals off with
'dear diary'
even though I really never talk about anything

today is normal so far
I had sociology and a sandwich for breakfast
I watched little mrs sunshine before going to school
I have never seen it before, but it seemed like a funny movie
I loved the part when he brother finds out hes color blind and they send her down to talk to him
she doesnt say a word and just hugs the guy
and then he like, snaps out of it

I wonder WHY you cant be pilot when your color blind
thats silly
but I also wonder why he wanted to be a pilot so badly
but I obviously didnt see the beginning
I tuned in when the wre putting a body in the back trunk
WHY, I'll never know
did they kill someone?
:/

right now Im in the library RIGHT next to courtney
she just found our she has a tes ttoday
I hope she does ok
that sucks
D:

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16 September 2009 @ 12:33

Duets

Im having a weird day
not a bad day, no
its just normal, routine, gray
not a day I would expect much out of

I suppose why I am feeling so weird is because today I had a long conversation with Courtney over chinese food
We just talked about thing
Depressing things
Like how we both don’t know how to plan for the future
How were both un-ambitious
How we both worry about getting married, and the fear that we never will
How we are both regretting community college, because it’s not as social as normal college
How we both feel depressed all the time no, but everything is so routine
We even talked about Jake and how much I really hate him, and I don’t know why
We talked about Renee and how I wish she wouldn’t call me all the time to tell me about her life at Elon
We talked about being loners, and having borderline, and missing Alex
We talked about highschool

It was a nice conversation to have with Courtney
And it made me realize that, even though we both handle things VERY differently (like how she has to talk about her problems, and I have to write about mine)
We both have to deal with the same issues, and we think about those issues the same way
It’s nice to know that there is someone out there who also bases her feelings off looks like me
Someone who thinks about her life in terms of whether or not they get married, like me
Someone who gets depressed for no reason and wonders why like me
And though she has never tried to kill herself or anything, she still does the same destructive behaviors as me
Like binge eating, and not having goals and basing everything on whether or not we get married

Stuff like that
Things that nether Renee or Jarrell or Alex or anyone seem to actually understand
When I tell Jarrell about how I fear I’ll never marry, he laughs and tells me that any guy would be lucky you have me
When I tell Alex, and tried to laugh it off and hastily changes the subject
When I tell Renee, she scoffs and completely casts aside my feelings, and says that I shouldn’t care whether or not a get married
But Courtney, she takes a bite of her shrimp fried rice and says that she worries about the same thing
She says that she think about it all the time, prolly as much or more than I do
And she gets depressed because she thinks it never going to happen, just like me

And that’s just ONE thing we have in common
There are so many more
I dunno, I suppose this experience in community college has taught me 3 really important things
One, is how to be independent and not be ashamed
Two is how to spend my time wisely and actually DO work
And the third, I've noticed how SIMILER me and Courtney are
For the longest time, I just thought we were complete opposites
But I can let Courtney onto a side of me that’s actually realistic
The side that worries about my weight, and appearances
The side that isn’t ambitious and doesn’t care
The side of my that talks about people behind their backs
The side that’s depressed, and watched stupid chick flicks and is really introverted
But at the same time, we can flip those attributes about us, and make them social tools
We can go shopping and talk about our weight and not be ashamed and make it funny
We can joke about not doing our homework
We can walk around any mall and ALWAYS have something to talk about, as long as there are ugly people walking around

I dunno
I’m just starting to realize how important Courtney is to me

I'm also starting to realize how much I hate community college
I want to go to parties
I want to get drunk and make mistakes
I want to make new friends, and new enemies
I want to have sex with people I don’t know and won’t remember
I hate this clean productive routine I have, while people I know are out having fun
I hate that fact that everyone here is so career orientated that they don’t have time to socialize
I hate that fact that I am ACTUALLY DOING MY WORK NOW
WHAT THE HELL MAN

The weird part about today is that,
Even though me and Courtney had that in-depth hour long conversation, in which was reveals a shitload about ourselves
I still don’t feel awkward, or ashamed, or depressed
I just feel normal

Is that weird?

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