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I knew it was going to be bad today
but before I complain, quick recap:
work: I made 100$ this weekend
ren fest: I went with courtney and it was GREAT
zombieland: saw it with courtney after ren fest
bloom: I came to see Jeremy. he grew a beard.
alright
now I can start on today
so today I woke up at 8 to the sound of a loud clicking
apparently, burning in the night, my favorite huge candle melted all the way down
the wax seeped from the top of my shelve, and spilled everywhere
by the time I woke up, the wax covered the floor and all my books, and my old alarm
I was so tired, i ignored it and went back to bed
so then I woke up at 12
and then cleaned up the mess
then i had to go out and get more hot coco
so i went to sams club
I got sort of lost getting there
it was raining, and nothing good was on the radio
i was let alone to think all by myself
it was nerve wracking
when i got there, i realized that shopping alone was such a depressing experience
seriously, I felt old, and out of place
and the rain didn't help
it made everything a soggy chore
when I got home, the only good thing about the day was putting my niece to sleep
there is something about putting a baby to sleep that's just...comforting
and watching them sleep
and making a bed out of blankets to house her while she sleeps
the only thing to kill my mood was Jeremy
he IMed me about my status which was about me not knowing exactly what to do
he wanted to know what was up
I told him nothing, but her persisted
and I snapped at him
I didn't mean to, but I think i seriously hurt his feelings
I feel bad
but...the status was sort of about him
its just that...Im so confused about me and Jeremy
sometimes, like yesterday when i saw him and his facial hair brushed against my face for a second
or the other day when we were talking about sex over the phone
times like those, I am so attracted to him
its unbearable
his voice can make make my skin tingle
and i get SO jealous when he talks about other girls
I dont want him to move on from me
and then other times, I am totally not
like when I think about how hes still in high school
or how hes kind of a downgrade for me, judging by his looks
or how hes not taller than me like all my other boyfriends
or how Im just not attracted to his looks
these times, I just wish our relationship would stay over the phone and online
and then other OTHER times, i just like us the way we are
we are like best friends
he understands me like a lot of people just don't
he calls me beautiful, always listens to what I have to say, and we have a lot in common
all these moments rolled up into one person
a lot of them happen multiple times a day
I have no idea how to deal with it
I don't know what to do
one part of me wants him so badly
and we COULD work
theoretically
he would treat me right
and I KNOW hes a good candidate for sex
i don't even have to question it like Jake
but I have to remember
I am good at fucking things up
in fact, you could call me a professional buzz kill
I mess up EVERYTHING that i try to take to the next level
and even though eh could tell me that i have nothing to worry about
its not ABOUT him
its about ME
and how I cant deal with BEING with anyone
it would take the BOTH of us to make it work
and I know from experience that I cant force myself to like someone, even if they are perfect
and it makes me think...about Robbie
is Jeremy my new Robbie?
think about it
Robbie was perfect for me
he was my best friend
he complimented me all the time
he always listened to be
he understood my how no one at the time did
he we had a lot in common, he got the things others didn't
and I KNEW he would be good for me
he would know how to treat me and take care of me
but I wasn't attracted to him
there were little parts of him i wanted though
little parts of Robbie that I wanted to badly, I was willing to risk everything
the way his voice got raspy from talking to me late at night
the way he could lift me up
how soft his lips were, and how affectionate he was
his hair, and his hands
little things that I loved
but they weren't enough
Jeremy is EXACTLY the same way
and we are heading down the same road
the EXACT same road
just a little of a year Robbie died, and when I SWORE I would never do this to another boy again
here I am, a year later
fucking over some guys emotions becuase I cant make up my mind
what am I going to do?
am i even capable of liking someone else?
or...am I really scarred so badly that this will be my pattern forever?
or...should i just force myself to like this guy?
and...is that even possible for me to do without messing everything up?
or...will Jeremy die like Robbie did? still loving a girl who had no idea what she wanted?
...I just...have no idea where to turn
I don't know whether to tell Jeremy or not either
Im afraid he wont understand, and that he wont heard what i mean
Im afriad hell be mad at me for mentioning Robbie again
Im afraid of what he thinks
I obviously have a lot on my mind with this issue
its really killing me
I haven't talked to him all day
the other night we talked until 6 am
and the convo got pretty heavy
I think that maybe, had he been in the room, I would have just ripped off my tank top right there
sometimes I want him so badly
and he makes it apparent that he wants me ALL THE TIME
but I just don't know if that feeling is good enough to act on
I thought about it the WHOLE car ride
it almost killed me
I came close to crying right in the car
I just don't know anymore
so after I sent that IM to him, and he never answered, the family came over and we hung for a bit
that was nice
it helped pull me out of my shitty depressed mood
but then I went upstairs
and started to work on a painting i have been trying ti finsh for AGES
I finally finished it
and while doing the final touches
PHOTOSHOP SHUTS DOWN ON ME
fuck
FUCK
FUUUCCCKKKK
I was so mad
Im still mad
im furious
that just fucked me ALL up
now just...want to go to bed
but I feel bad missing out on a perfectly good night to work on art and stuff
maybe ill watch some TV or a movie
that usually helps when Im in a really shitty mood
usually
but before I complain, quick recap:
work: I made 100$ this weekend
ren fest: I went with courtney and it was GREAT
zombieland: saw it with courtney after ren fest
bloom: I came to see Jeremy. he grew a beard.
alright
now I can start on today
so today I woke up at 8 to the sound of a loud clicking
apparently, burning in the night, my favorite huge candle melted all the way down
the wax seeped from the top of my shelve, and spilled everywhere
by the time I woke up, the wax covered the floor and all my books, and my old alarm
I was so tired, i ignored it and went back to bed
so then I woke up at 12
and then cleaned up the mess
then i had to go out and get more hot coco
so i went to sams club
I got sort of lost getting there
it was raining, and nothing good was on the radio
i was let alone to think all by myself
it was nerve wracking
when i got there, i realized that shopping alone was such a depressing experience
seriously, I felt old, and out of place
and the rain didn't help
it made everything a soggy chore
when I got home, the only good thing about the day was putting my niece to sleep
there is something about putting a baby to sleep that's just...comforting
and watching them sleep
and making a bed out of blankets to house her while she sleeps
the only thing to kill my mood was Jeremy
he IMed me about my status which was about me not knowing exactly what to do
he wanted to know what was up
I told him nothing, but her persisted
and I snapped at him
I didn't mean to, but I think i seriously hurt his feelings
I feel bad
but...the status was sort of about him
its just that...Im so confused about me and Jeremy
sometimes, like yesterday when i saw him and his facial hair brushed against my face for a second
or the other day when we were talking about sex over the phone
times like those, I am so attracted to him
its unbearable
his voice can make make my skin tingle
and i get SO jealous when he talks about other girls
I dont want him to move on from me
and then other times, I am totally not
like when I think about how hes still in high school
or how hes kind of a downgrade for me, judging by his looks
or how hes not taller than me like all my other boyfriends
or how Im just not attracted to his looks
these times, I just wish our relationship would stay over the phone and online
and then other OTHER times, i just like us the way we are
we are like best friends
he understands me like a lot of people just don't
he calls me beautiful, always listens to what I have to say, and we have a lot in common
all these moments rolled up into one person
a lot of them happen multiple times a day
I have no idea how to deal with it
I don't know what to do
one part of me wants him so badly
and we COULD work
theoretically
he would treat me right
and I KNOW hes a good candidate for sex
i don't even have to question it like Jake
but I have to remember
I am good at fucking things up
in fact, you could call me a professional buzz kill
I mess up EVERYTHING that i try to take to the next level
and even though eh could tell me that i have nothing to worry about
its not ABOUT him
its about ME
and how I cant deal with BEING with anyone
it would take the BOTH of us to make it work
and I know from experience that I cant force myself to like someone, even if they are perfect
and it makes me think...about Robbie
is Jeremy my new Robbie?
think about it
Robbie was perfect for me
he was my best friend
he complimented me all the time
he always listened to be
he understood my how no one at the time did
he we had a lot in common, he got the things others didn't
and I KNEW he would be good for me
he would know how to treat me and take care of me
but I wasn't attracted to him
there were little parts of him i wanted though
little parts of Robbie that I wanted to badly, I was willing to risk everything
the way his voice got raspy from talking to me late at night
the way he could lift me up
how soft his lips were, and how affectionate he was
his hair, and his hands
little things that I loved
but they weren't enough
Jeremy is EXACTLY the same way
and we are heading down the same road
the EXACT same road
just a little of a year Robbie died, and when I SWORE I would never do this to another boy again
here I am, a year later
fucking over some guys emotions becuase I cant make up my mind
what am I going to do?
am i even capable of liking someone else?
or...am I really scarred so badly that this will be my pattern forever?
or...should i just force myself to like this guy?
and...is that even possible for me to do without messing everything up?
or...will Jeremy die like Robbie did? still loving a girl who had no idea what she wanted?
...I just...have no idea where to turn
I don't know whether to tell Jeremy or not either
Im afraid he wont understand, and that he wont heard what i mean
Im afriad hell be mad at me for mentioning Robbie again
Im afraid of what he thinks
I obviously have a lot on my mind with this issue
its really killing me
I haven't talked to him all day
the other night we talked until 6 am
and the convo got pretty heavy
I think that maybe, had he been in the room, I would have just ripped off my tank top right there
sometimes I want him so badly
and he makes it apparent that he wants me ALL THE TIME
but I just don't know if that feeling is good enough to act on
I thought about it the WHOLE car ride
it almost killed me
I came close to crying right in the car
I just don't know anymore
so after I sent that IM to him, and he never answered, the family came over and we hung for a bit
that was nice
it helped pull me out of my shitty depressed mood
but then I went upstairs
and started to work on a painting i have been trying ti finsh for AGES
I finally finished it
and while doing the final touches
PHOTOSHOP SHUTS DOWN ON ME
fuck
FUCK
FUUUCCCKKKK
I was so mad
Im still mad
im furious
that just fucked me ALL up
now just...want to go to bed
but I feel bad missing out on a perfectly good night to work on art and stuff
maybe ill watch some TV or a movie
that usually helps when Im in a really shitty mood
usually
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