The Cronicles of a Tree-Hugging Basketcase

oh...oh dear..no posts in HOW many weeks?

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:09:12 GMT

no journal since October 20th?
you must have thought I died!

well, I didn't
so wipe that smile off your face!

I have just been SO BUSY
college is apparently not the time to keep two journals at once
I completely abandoned my weight loos journal
I'm going to try and start it back up today

the thing is, now that I have a car and spend about...80% of my time all alone
I think about things THERE
while Im in the car? Im just pondering about things
thinking
sorting out my feelings
I don't really NEED a journal

I prolly should keep one anyway though
for future reference
my LJ has helped me through SO much
I shouldn't just abandon it!!

alright, from now on, Ill try to write like, one entry per week
that doesn't sound too constraining!

well anyway
on to the recap!

Halloween:

I went to work. simple as that
I got a devil costume and wore it to work
it was actually really really cute
and I looked a lot better than my co-worker
who showed WAY too much skin for her size
she didn't even wear a bra!
nasty

haha I loved my costume however
it showed JUST the right amount of skin
so that I could function
but those boots DROVE ME NUTS
I was so happy to be OUT OF THEM by the end of the night

so it was a good halloween
no candy
but I did carve too jack o laterns
and watch scariest places on earth
I EVEN DOWNLOADED ALL THE EPISODE IN MY COMPY
so all was well

I still love halloween
its just that...being an adult kind of kills the holiday
Next year, It'll be a sunday
and I am going to stay home and give out candy for kids
that will be nice
just to stay home, get some popcorn, watch some halloween movies, and munch on candy
I can even wear my costume from this year since Im not going anywhere

yeah, that sounds nice. :)

School:

going fine, going fine
I havent fucked up as bad as a did on the 20th
I bring my laptop to school with me everyday to draw
I even got a case for my tablet
Im drawing like CRAZY
its great
and it s a wonderful stree reliver
this is really what I want to do the rest of my life

Static Shock:

back on october the 20th, I was reading a static shock fan fic on the the side
Located HERE
just for fun, nothing serious
but it COMPLETELY consumed my life
before I knew it, I was reading every moment I could
and then THIS SONG came out, as if it was made ESPECIALLY FOR THE FAN FICTION I WAS READING

oh rihianna
how you come out with a song just as dark as what im reading, I WILL NEVER KNOW
seriosuly, it matched so well

the only problem? this fan fic want finished
it prolly never will be
the authors last update on anything was in 2006
so im guessing she is dead

needless to say, I went through a terrible static shock depression
it was ridiculous

so to make myself feel better, I DREW FAN ARTS

and...moar fan arts becuase people liked the first so much

and yet MORE becuase people sent me links to NEW stories, static shock fan clubs, and episodes online

and then MORE becuase I read more fan fics and watched those episodes online

Im thinking your seeing a pattern here?

I cant stop
its like CRACK for me
I have NEVER fan girled a couple SO HARD before
all this art? ONE IN TWO WEEKS
most of it in one week

I personally blame the AMAZING YET UNFINISHED fan fiction from before
AND these videos:

oh god, oh god MY SIDES

this one is my favorite
becuase, even if V has no idea
its OBVIOUS richie likes him
you cant prove me other wise

OH YES
:D
so its official
I am one of the biggest VR fan girls out there
and you know what? it makes me happy and keeps me occupied
SO WHATEVER TO THE HATERS

I love those two
and Im not done yet
<3

work:

this weekend I made about 100$
which was AWESOME
and last week I made about 80$
which I spent in the course of the week ANYWAY
frustration shopping, grocery shopping, getting gas
but its was OK really
becuase it was all THRIFT SHOPPING
oh yes
goodwill, aldi's, platos closet
:D

Jeremy:

he was SMOTHERING me
calling me baby
calling me ALL THE TIME
telling me how much he loves me
it was TOO MUCH
my horoscope info is right
its not that Im incapable of BEING with someone
I just cant
becuase I don't feel free

jeremy was great, hes a good guy
but i hated to BELONG to someone
I hated it

so I told him we needed a break
and he went along with it
so we didn't talk for about...2 weeks
and I BARELY EVEN NOTICED
I had a great week
I had SO MUCH free time
i got to actually sleep instead of talking on the phone
it was awesome
I barely even noticed that he was gone

until he called me one day begin for me to come back
apparently, life for him was AWFUL without me
and he was having the worst two weeks of his life

and becuase I am stupid and truthful, i told him MY SIDE
and said that I barely even noticed that we didnt talk, and liked my two weeks off

after that, he sort of...drifted away
he doesn't call me too much
doesn't IM me alot anymore
I think something is broken between us

but the sad part is that I...really dont mind it
I dont want to say i dont care
but...i dont

Jarrell:

I also realized Im in love with my best friend
GREAT
just great

I'll never tell him
EVER
hes in college now
doing every girl he possibly can prolly
and I had my chance with him already
I doubt I'll have another one

but yeah
its been in the back of my head ever since he came back from A&T for fall break
when i finally saw him, I don't ever remembering missing someone so much
or being so happy to see someone
every time he spoke to me, or said my name, I tried not to turn red
and whenever we were around each other, i smiled about EVERYTHING

and when he left? i was a wreck for a few hours
I don't know if this annotates love, or just extreme friendship
but I do know that there's something there that he will NEVER know
ever

Autumn and Daylight savings time:

now that Halloween is over, it is officially fall
and daylight savings time is OVER THANK GOD
I am FINALLY back to my normal schedule
the changing of clocks in the spring, actually messes me up pretty badly
I never feel myself until they change back

and now that THEY HAVE
I feel like Jessie again
I get so much done now
I also feel inspired to draw more now
I get to wear my favorite clothes
boots, long sleeved shirts, layered tanks
I also enjoy nature more
no bugs and heat to bother me
just the sound of passing cars instead of crickets
and the constant and rapid changing of leaves
its great

hmm and now
I THINK YOUR ALL CUAGHT UP

bitchin, right?
:)

fuck. my. life. seriously. this is ALL my fault! D:

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 17:10:39 GMT

oh my god I hate myself SO badly right now
excuse me while I jump off a cliff

allow annie to make me feel better

UGH
so, this past weekend was totally lazy for me
sunday I hung out all night with renee an jarell who are back from college for the weekend

it wa AWESOME
and they left at around...1 ish

so the next day was monday, so I decided to stay home for the day
I used the day to recoupeate, sleep in, chill out, and get some rest
I called a few friends to take nots for me in the classes I missed

WELL APPARENTLY
MONDAY WAS THE ONLY DAY OF THE WEEK EVERYTHING FROM ALL OF MY CLASSES WAS DUE
MY GOD HOW DID I MISS THAT

apprently, I missed the dealine for my math homework
AND the deadline for my english confrence
I ALREADY MISSED THE IN CLASS DISCUSSION
AND NOW I AM MISSING THE CRITIQUE

the worst part?
I only hve ONE critique to do
it wuldhave litterally taken me 3 minutes to complete
BUT I TOTALLY FORGOT
AND NOW THE ASSIGNMENT ISNT AVALIBLE

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL

the math homework isnt TOO big of a deal I supposed
at the end of term, we get to take off the 3 lowest homework grades
as luck would have it, I missed exactly 3
so I just have to get a 100 on all my other homeworks for that to be OK

with english, its a little mor complicated
apprently, sinceI missed two parts of the confrence
I also get 2 absenses
so along with not being able to miss ANY more days in english for te rest of term
the HIGHEST I can get on this confrence would be a B
and thats if I SOMEHOW manage to make my paper SO KICKASS that it wont matter
which, prolly wont happen

there goes my perfect record
>:(

at least Im not missing anything in soc
in fact, I got some extra credit today
in mythology? I am already missing...I think 3 classes
so I have to be present to ALL of them for the rest of the year
but thats slightly OK since gracie took my nots yesterday
and I aced all my tests and quizes

ugh
I cant believe it
I was doing SO good!!
>:(

well...oh well
I was really out of it yesterday anyway
it the the 3rd day in a row I had a bad dream about zombies
today I had another bad dream about zombies AGAIN
but it wasnt THAT bad
in this one I was prepared and lived

I suppose the ONLY silver lining I have is that I drew a shitload yesterday
I churned out 4 drawins in 19 hours
thats pretty effing good!!

feel my heart beat feel my heart beat feel my heart beat!

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 03:42:55 GMT

this song is SO stuck in my head!!
:D

anyway
today was a cold, miserable day
I over slept
so i didnt have time to check the weather
which means I didnt dress appropriately
which means I ALMOST FROZE TO DEATH

today was the first 50 degree day of October
and Im literally saying FINALLY
today it was col and over cast and i could see my breath

it would have been awesome if I wasn't wearing thin stockings, flip flops, a skirt, and a t shirt
I WAS SO COLD ALL DAY

and becuase I rushed to get out on time, i forgot A LOT of stuff
which means I forgot my math things, calculator, and food
PLUS since I forgot my calc, the lab i had today was EXTRA HARD
AND I didn't even make it to english
which was the only class I WAS prepared for

it was a deliberately shitty day
but despite that....it was still a good day
I think it was just becuase of the OMG COLD

and today I got to have Chinese food
becuase I didn't have breakfast
and i had pizza for dinner
which was GREAT becuase it was FRESH
the cheese was almost liquid becuase it was SO hot
it
was
AWESOME

and then I came home, ate pizza, and watched shutter
it was....stupid
but i love stupid scary movies
they make me feel like not such a scary cat

I ALSO GOT TO TURN ON THE HEAT TONIGHT
IT WAS 69 DEGREES IN THE HOUSE
SO I GOT TO TURN ON THE HEAT
AND IT WAS GREAT
BECAUSE IT WASN'T HOT, IT WAS LIKE DRY HEAT
AND IT SMELLED LIKE DUST
IT WAS SO GREAT
I LOVED IT
I GOT TO WRAP MYSELF IN BLANKETS AND DRINK HOT COCOA

hahaha
I love winter
SO MUCH

tomorrow will be the same weather
so that means i get to wear my boots!
YAY!!
:D

Ugh stupid day

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 03:38:00 GMT

I knew it was going to be bad today
but before I complain, quick recap:

work: I made 100$ this weekend
ren fest: I went with courtney and it was GREAT
zombieland: saw it with courtney after ren fest
bloom: I came to see Jeremy. he grew a beard.

alright
now I can start on today

so today I woke up at 8 to the sound of a loud clicking
apparently, burning in the night, my favorite huge candle melted all the way down
the wax seeped from the top of my shelve, and spilled everywhere
by the time I woke up, the wax covered the floor and all my books, and my old alarm

I was so tired, i ignored it and went back to bed

so then I woke up at 12
and then cleaned up the mess

then i had to go out and get more hot coco
so i went to sams club
I got sort of lost getting there
it was raining, and nothing good was on the radio
i was let alone to think all by myself

it was nerve wracking

when i got there, i realized that shopping alone was such a depressing experience
seriously, I felt old, and out of place
and the rain didn't help
it made everything a soggy chore

when I got home, the only good thing about the day was putting my niece to sleep
there is something about putting a baby to sleep that's just...comforting
and watching them sleep
and making a bed out of blankets to house her while she sleeps

the only thing to kill my mood was Jeremy
he IMed me about my status which was about me not knowing exactly what to do
he wanted to know what was up
I told him nothing, but her persisted
and I snapped at him
I didn't mean to, but I think i seriously hurt his feelings
I feel bad
but...the status was sort of about him

its just that...Im so confused about me and Jeremy
sometimes, like yesterday when i saw him and his facial hair brushed against my face for a second
or the other day when we were talking about sex over the phone
times like those, I am so attracted to him
its unbearable
his voice can make make my skin tingle
and i get SO jealous when he talks about other girls
I dont want him to move on from me

and then other times, I am totally not
like when I think about how hes still in high school
or how hes kind of a downgrade for me, judging by his looks
or how hes not taller than me like all my other boyfriends
or how Im just not attracted to his looks
these times, I just wish our relationship would stay over the phone and online

and then other OTHER times, i just like us the way we are
we are like best friends
he understands me like a lot of people just don't
he calls me beautiful, always listens to what I have to say, and we have a lot in common

all these moments rolled up into one person
a lot of them happen multiple times a day
I have no idea how to deal with it
I don't know what to do

one part of me wants him so badly
and we COULD work
theoretically
he would treat me right
and I KNOW hes a good candidate for sex
i don't even have to question it like Jake

but I have to remember
I am good at fucking things up
in fact, you could call me a professional buzz kill
I mess up EVERYTHING that i try to take to the next level
and even though eh could tell me that i have nothing to worry about
its not ABOUT him
its about ME
and how I cant deal with BEING with anyone
it would take the BOTH of us to make it work
and I know from experience that I cant force myself to like someone, even if they are perfect

and it makes me think...about Robbie
is Jeremy my new Robbie?
think about it
Robbie was perfect for me
he was my best friend
he complimented me all the time
he always listened to be
he understood my how no one at the time did
he we had a lot in common, he got the things others didn't
and I KNEW he would be good for me
he would know how to treat me and take care of me

but I wasn't attracted to him

there were little parts of him i wanted though
little parts of Robbie that I wanted to badly, I was willing to risk everything
the way his voice got raspy from talking to me late at night
the way he could lift me up
how soft his lips were, and how affectionate he was
his hair, and his hands
little things that I loved

but they weren't enough

Jeremy is EXACTLY the same way
and we are heading down the same road
the EXACT same road
just a little of a year Robbie died, and when I SWORE I would never do this to another boy again
here I am, a year later
fucking over some guys emotions becuase I cant make up my mind

what am I going to do?
am i even capable of liking someone else?
or...am I really scarred so badly that this will be my pattern forever?

or...should i just force myself to like this guy?
and...is that even possible for me to do without messing everything up?

or...will Jeremy die like Robbie did? still loving a girl who had no idea what she wanted?

...I just...have no idea where to turn
I don't know whether to tell Jeremy or not either
Im afraid he wont understand, and that he wont heard what i mean
Im afriad hell be mad at me for mentioning Robbie again
Im afraid of what he thinks

I obviously have a lot on my mind with this issue
its really killing me
I haven't talked to him all day
the other night we talked until 6 am
and the convo got pretty heavy
I think that maybe, had he been in the room, I would have just ripped off my tank top right there
sometimes I want him so badly
and he makes it apparent that he wants me ALL THE TIME
but I just don't know if that feeling is good enough to act on
I thought about it the WHOLE car ride
it almost killed me
I came close to crying right in the car

I just don't know anymore

so after I sent that IM to him, and he never answered, the family came over and we hung for a bit
that was nice
it helped pull me out of my shitty depressed mood

but then I went upstairs
and started to work on a painting i have been trying ti finsh for AGES
I finally finished it
and while doing the final touches
PHOTOSHOP SHUTS DOWN ON ME

fuck
FUCK
FUUUCCCKKKK

I was so mad
Im still mad
im furious
that just fucked me ALL up

now just...want to go to bed
but I feel bad missing out on a perfectly good night to work on art and stuff
maybe ill watch some TV or a movie
that usually helps when Im in a really shitty mood

usually

bad dreams make me talk alot apprently

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 19:52:29 GMT

EDIT:
get ready for a long dream description
and a long 'my life is awful' speech
and then a semi long nostalgic monologue
the dream is in blue, for easy reading
thank you

god
I had a bad dream
it was terrible

well
it wasnt really THAT bad
its just how I feel afterwards

it was one of those: 'the world is ending' dreams
but ti didnt start out that way

in the beginning. there was a class trip to paris
my parents wouldnt let me go
so I got mad, yelled at them,
and then they told me WHY we couldnt go to paris
and they said we were moving

and...I coudnt take it
I screamed, and cried, and yelled
I didnt want to move

so I ran away

me courtney and renee went to paris
and I brought my cat with me

on one of the tours duing the night, the 3 of us snuck away
we went on rooftops and just walked and talked together
my cat followed us up, and started to run around

I was afriad that she would fall, it was a long way down
so I tried to get her to come to me
and apprently jnxy thought we were playing
she ran from us, and fell off the roof
she landed in a tree, and fell from it

when we finally got down, she was a kitten
and she was playful and tiny
so I took her back with us to the hotel

then the trip was over
and I missed my parents
but when I came home, they were gone
I couldnt find them

so me, renee, and courtney stayed at my house to keep me company
my kitten jinx was being really weird, and the sky was turning red
so me and renee looked at the news while courtney went outside to see if she could get cell phone reception

the news said that the world was ending
that a sickness was coming, and we didnt have long

I was scared
I wanted to see my parents before I died
but I didnt know where they were
and courtney hadent come back yet
she disapeared
and jinxy was gone too
courtney had left the door open

so renee suggested we go back to indy
maybe people were staying there

we drove down there, and it was mass chaos
the building had no electricity
and people were running around screaming, breaking things

when we got there, my parents were in this classroom on the second floor
I was so happy to see them
but then I couldnt find renee
she was gone

but it was OK, becuase I had found my mom and dad
and we hid in the classroom from a while

but then we realized we had to leave
so we took the car, and decided to see if we could hide at the movies
but the movies were full of people watching this weight loss documentry, and the colbert report
it was so bazzar
and the woods had taken over half the theater
so the place was covered in leaves and grass

it was so weird

then finally, we lef the movies
and we were about to give up
when there was this big boom, and everyone around me disapeared
and I was all alone in this deserted crumbling city with a red sky
my parents were gone, my friends were gone, and I was all alone

then I woke up

man
I hot totty really took it out of me
it knocked me out for 13 hours
I just woke up

Im still sort of shaken
but this apacolypse dream wasnt as bad as that one I had this summer
this one was more silly
and I could see the aspects of my life is applied to
my want for a kitten
the fear and depression I have felt since courtney told me that shes transferring out of CP early
shes leaving in the spring
my fear ym my parents are going to die, or leave me soon
the fear that renee isnt my best friend anymore
the way I miss highschool so bad its hurts my chest sometimes

just alot of things that I keep putting on the back burner of my mind
Im just...living day to day
focusing so much on school so that I dont have to think about how shitty my life is right now
I have made no new friends at college, I have yet to loose my v-card, I am incapable of loving ANYONE worht while
(and that has nothing to do with jake, I honestly dont care about him
its jermey I care about. I feel so awful that I cant love him the way he loves me JUST becuase hes short and unattractive)
AND I am loosing all my friends
courtney is LEAVING me
and we all know she wont talk to me once shes gone
renee is ALREADY gone, and prolly having so much fun without me that shes forgetting my name
and jarrell, who is always my fallback, hasent called me since august. he doesnt even care anymore

Im afriad that Im being left behind
Im the only one without a plan or anything
everyone, even courtney and alex, are going on to bigger and better things
and Im still...here...
Im still in the exact same spot of was in 4 years ago
I am even treating guys the same way I did 4 years ago (jermey and jake are good examples.)
will I ever progress?
or am I REALLY going to die in 2012 the same way I lived for the past years?
is my life going to amount to nothing?

the only thing I have going for my is school
Im making almost striaght A's in all my classes
its all I have to hold on to
my intelligence that I never thought I had
its the only thing that I can focus on so Im not a manic depressive about how shitty my world is

ugh
Im just disapointed in my life
and I dont know what to do about it

BUT
when I dont tink about that
everything is great
I have plenty of money
my job is awesome
my car is the best thing ever, and I love driving
I am about to have the best weekend ever
Im doing great in school
and the presence of autumn is REALLY making me feel better
I honestly sit in front of my window and listen to the leaves fall all the time now

its this time of year I like to think about how great my childhood was
I dont kid myself though
I know I had a shitty childhood too
I was a loner, even as a kid
I had ne friends, no confidence, and I didnt have any of those 'oh I remember' moments that my other friends have
you know, things like 'I remember playing tag after school'
'or I remember my best friend growing up'

I didnt have that
but my childhood was still good
most of those good moments were spent alone
either outside, looking at the sky, reading books, or walking in the woods talking to myself
or inside, having fun with my parents, playing with my toys, or curling up in bed watching cartoons
but I wont lie, MOST of it was watching cartoons

maybe thats why I like cartoons so much now
they really did shape my childhood as a kid
I suppose I have such a passion for them NOW
is becuase it helps me feel really connected to them
and I hope Im helping to make the same kind of memories for some other kid, you know?

maybe the reason why I am feeling so nostalgic is becuase its fall
october really is the beginning of my favorite 5 months
becuase when I was a kid, ALL the best stuff happened in fall/winter
I have traditions that I have kept the same for years, just becuase thats how I did it when I was a kid
like, every daylight savings time in olcotber? I take off the screen in my window, so I can sit out on it
or every weekend leading up to ocotober? I tape the 13 nights of halloween on ABC family
I like to watch scariest places on earth, and kikis delivery service
OVER AND OVER AGIAN
I have seen them so much
they just make me feel better from the familerity of them

but now, I think im babbling
so Im going to wrap this up:

pretty much:
Im worried that everything seems to have changed around me
but I havent at all
I feel the same
I like the same things
I act the same
and now Im wondering if things will ever change for me
or if Ill just die this big huge failure

OK I'll stop procrastinating now

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 00:41:25 GMT

today
was a surreal day
but good

today, I woke up REALLY sick
but i went to class anyway

on the way to class, this REALLY old guy saw me and held the elevator for me
he asked me if i was OK
and i said i was sick
and he smiled and pulled some tea packets out his pockets
it was like this old no brand name green tea stuff
really authentic
he told me that I should make some tea and then I would feel better
and all i could say was thank you when he rushed out of the elevator

WEIRD I KNOW
I feel like if I actually drink this stuff
ILL GET POWERS OR SOMETHING
wouldnt that be AWESOME?

after that, I went to soc, and i didn't pay attention at all
becuase its stupid
>:(

and then I hung out in my car for lunch
I just listened to the radio and read a book

until math
we got our test results back!
AND I GOT A 100 ON MY TEST
A 100
AS IN A PERFECT SCORE
IN MATH

:D
I love college

so then I came home
and watched the MOST AWESOME MOVIE EVER
Titan A.E.

I have never heard of it before
and it comes on all the time
but I thought it was a normal boring live action movie

NO
IT WAS A CARTOON
and i ALWAYS give cartoons a chance

so I watched it
and I am glad i did
it was amazing

don bluth never fails to impress me with his knack for creating my favorite movies
seriously, that guys is brilliant

too bad TAE was one of the biggest flops from him ever
it cost 75 mil to make, and they only pulled in 9 mil in the end
it actually led to them closing down fox animation studies
which is sad, becuase they were the ones that came out with Anastasia and everything

WHICH ALSO
CALE, THE MAIN CHARACTER IN TAE LOOKS A LOT LIKE DEMETRI FROM ANASTASIA

I CALL SHINANEGINS

ok so those aren't the BEST pictures
BUT THEY WORK OUT
you would just have to see it
I seriously kept thinking that Cale WAS Demetri
SERIOUSLY
HE EVEN HAS THE SAME VOICE
MY GOD

haha
so i had a good day
and now i have to stop procrastinating and do my english essay!
later!!

OH MAN I FORGOT
I broke up with jake today!
I left a message on his wall on FB

I know, its a little sudden
but i was just at my limit
i would just...rather be single
even though I wished i had done something more devastating
I feel like this is equally as good, you know?

I don't really fee any different though
just the same
its prolly becuase I never really considered him my boyfriend

go figure
:)

retro autumn

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 03:53:09 GMT

what a good day!
I love October

today. after a tiny study session with courtney
me and here went walking in mcalpine park
it was nice
the weather was good
and we got in about an hours walk, and about 4 miles

the best part?
I GOT TO DRIVE MY CAR TO AN FROM

then i went to the bistro, got a salad, and went home
and since then, I have been watching old Halloween movies
scary god mother, the witches, scariest places on earth
really old stuff, from my childhood

after a while , I decided to organize my oh VHS tapes
I labeled all of them
and got some ready for tape overs
I have A LOT of tape overs
which is good
ill need it for this Halloween season

so now i am just wind down
I am going to make a weight loos journal before bed

all in all, today was a good day
Im satisfied
:)

OH DEAR GOD 2 WEEKS IM SORRY

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 17:20:58 GMT

you prolly thought I DIED right?

SORRY TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE
BUT IM ALIVE AND KICKING BITCHES
>:D

haha
but for real
Im just SO BUSY all the time!!
but I secretly love it

but lets recap these past few days shall we?
lets see, alot of the events are fuzzy
where did I leave off...
last journal was on sunday september 27th!!
MY GOD
IT WAS BACK IN SEPTEMBER

well its october now
and ALOT has changed!

1. Idependence in the form of a moter vehicle!

we FINALLY got my car up and running
we got it new spark plugs, new tires, got it inspected and registered, and I got my parking pass
uncle reggie even washed and waxed it for me on saterday!
EVERYTHING is finally set up

today was my first day driving to school on my own
it was SO awesome
I wasnt nervous or anything
I felt completely in control, and independent
I even stopped on the way to school and got a muffin!
I got into the parking deck with no problem
and I sat in the my car for 30 minutes, eating breakfast, and studying for my test, listening to the radio

it was GREAT
I loved it
and I love my car
its perfect
I can do SO many things now!!

2. Jake and the hopeless date

I went on my first date the other day
YES MY FIRST DATE
why I have never been on one before is beyond me
I suppose I never had a need, I would see my guys at school

but last friday, I went on a date with jake
we were double dating with alex and HER boyfriend
(who jake told me are having crazy sex all the time
which is...ugh gross
but thats just becuase to me, alex is so innosent and pure
I try to think of it this way though: at least he treats her right
he may not be cute, but hes a good person
and if thats what alex wants, its a good thing
in fact, I envy her
I wish, for once, I could love someone for more than thier looks
BUT ANYWAY)

so we went to the movies
jake picked the ugly truth
which I have seen aready
it was even less entertianing than the first time
but jake paid for me,
so it was a free movie anyway
who really cares if it sucked?

in the movie, jake also kept trying to grab my hand, and cuddle me
its not only the fact that i dont even like him
but his breath was SO rank, i didnt even want to be 2 feet near him
let alone cuddle with him
and when I WOUDLNT cuddle with him he would tickle me
thats right
TICKLE ME
in a publice movie theatre
WHAT THE HELL MAN
how old ARE you?

after the movie, he drove me to work
I was SO happy to be out of his car
both rides, to and from the movies were awkward and silent
even when it got too silent for him, all he would talk about was weed and stephanie, his lesbian drinking buddy
LIKE I CARE
jesus
can I for once just find a guy with SUBSTANCE?

when he dropped me off, I almost fell out of the car from trying to get away
I planted a quick kiss on his lips, just to shut hm up before I had to leave
I really didnt want him to come in work with me
DEAR GOD NO

so the date was....not dismal, but not enjoyable either
if it was with anyone but jake, it would have been great
but it WAS with jake and he is really really REALLY annoying
hes not even good looking to me anymore
hes just repulsive, and lacking substance
like, I just want to get this break up over with really
this date showed me that Ill never be into him
even the sexual things arent good anymore

its prolly a good thing I didnt really waste too much energy in him
I have actually given up on the whole, 'im going to really fuck him up with this break up'
I just want it over

3. Weight Loss Journal?

which is located at Hey Big Girl!
my 'diet' is going really well
i am noticing that its really easy for me to cut down my calories
Im already loosing weight, from not even exercising!
I started off about 109
but now, if youll believe it, I am down to about 105
I dont even know how its possible!
but I checked last night, and its amazing!
I think Ill have to add a weekly weight in
just so see my progress

I also love this det, becuase it really is helping me out
I dont feel bloated and gross anymore
I actually have moe energy for the day
its great

4. I love college

I have been VERY busy with college
but so far, I am a really good student
i have been making striaght As in math and myth class
and I am guessing a have a B in english
sociology? Im not SO sure
but I did take a test yesterday that i am SURE I aced

5. The little things:

-I ended up not getting the kitten, but reggie found me a YOUNGER kitten for no money at all. shes even spayed!

-mom and dad keep hinting at texting! I am so excited!

- I made 90$ this weekend. It pissed chirstian off, but I didnt really care
shes starting to get annoying me anyway
shes very sensistive in a way that, when someone tells her to do something, shell get an atitude
HELLO, IF YOU CAN FOLLOW ORDERSM DONT BE A WAITRESS
she has no room to talk about sam sam, who can at least follow orders
she may be slow, but shes a hard worker, and she LISTENS

- from that 90$, I think Im going to get another MP3 player. I need one

-the rest of that monvey WENT TO GAS D:

- yesterday, me and courtney had strawberry shortcake on the roof of the parking deck. it was great.

- also yesterday, I left my phone on courtneys car and thought I lost it. that killed my mood. BUT SHE FOUND IT!! :D

- there is FINALLY fall weather in charlotte. cooler days, colder nights
I FINALLY feel at home now
this summer was brutal, and I missed the cold
I wondered if it was ever comming back

- also with october comes some really good moods on my part
I now get to look forward to my favorite holidays until febuary
halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, new years, my birthday
oh yes, this is the beginning of smooth sailing!!

-Im actually sick at the moment
but I kind of miss being sick
I dunno why
but I totally miss it
I have a sore throat and the sniffles
I GET TO HAVE SOUP AND GRILLED CHEESE
its great!

- I seriously love jermey smith
he gets everything about me
I have never met a boy like that

- I have taken to watching movies during my breaks between classes
watche you tube sutff, like The recess movie (recess: schools out)
and X men evolution
the WHOLE show is on youtube
its fuckign awesome

- I also draw too much in my notebooks, but not what I am supposed to
Like, I have 8 million comissions
but...I just doodle
:)

WELL
I DO BELEIVE THATS ABOUT IT

just a quick recap
you know, so i can start writing regularily
if I have the time!

Later!

OMG TODAY IS EPIC

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:10:54 GMT

what a productive day
:D

so as you prolly already saw
i made a new account!

Hey Big Girl!
(clicky!)

ADD ME!! :)

this account is for my weight loss blog
I have decided to try and loose 80lbs by next year
but the HEALTHY way
not like a retard

I made it becuase i didn't want to spam this account!
you can thank me later

so anyway
pretty successful and productive day
i made that account
finished up my english assignments
got all my math stuff done
kept a food diary (more like FOUND one)
AND I DOWNLOADED THE NEW REAL PLAYER

for those of you who DON'T GET HOW EPIC THIS IS
Ill tell you why it is:

this new real player allows me to download stuff of firefox
so I don't EVER have to go on internet explorer with this computer ever again
ALSO this real player lets me convert video files into music files
its QUICK and SO AWESOME OMG
becuase if I can find music on youtube
then I can fut it in my ipod as music
and not have to resort to limewire
becuase sometimes, stuff is is so rare that its on youtube, but not limewire

Namely movie soundtracks
I now FINALLY
after YEARS of waiting
have an MP3 collection of the 'an American tail' soundtrack
this is a pretty big achievement for me
seriously

SO I'm pretty stoked
I spent a good chuck of the day when I wasn't working, finding impossible songs on you tube
original Disney soundtracks, nix the singing songs
and a bunch of other cartoon soundtracks
plus, there are PLENTY of songs that I love
that i cant find on limewire, but that are on youtube
sometimes are are specific versions of a particular song, or just a rare song
so this will allow me to have ALL my music ALL the time

now I just have to get a new MP3 player
I have been shopping around amazon
and have found some EXCELLENT ones for about 60$
Im looking for a 3GB one, or 2000 songs
I already have over 1000

I dont want an ipod
and I hear zunes are AWFUL
(I have one, and it IS)
I have had an RCA before
actually 2
and they both were awesome, but not that durable

so, with the money I saved from not getting a kitten
I can now get an MP3 player

once I sift through these 13 pages of customer reviews
well at least I am shopping smart!

but either way,
today was an an excellent day

minus the fact that I am pretty hungry
but its for a good cause
:D

OH SNAP NEW ACCOUNT

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 18:43:31 GMT

GUESS WHOS STARTING TO GET SOME GOALS IN LIFE
hopefully this new jorunal will help me in my journey!!

Hey Big Girl!
(clicky!)

ADD ME!! :)

I made a new account on LJ
Im not abandoning this one
I just have something else I want to focus on in a journal
and I dont want to spam my regular account

see you there!

CH CH CH CHERRY BOMB

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 05:11:23 GMT

well, that was fun

soooooo
boring weekend?

work friday
saterday I cleaned my room
did homework
more work

boooorrrriiinnnggg

although
last night I took my first ride in SHELLY
it was AWESOME
:D

also
my mom said I actually COULD get this kitten
but...now I am having second thoughts
I mean, I DO want another cat
but after reading about it, that would be ALOT of work
I would have to introduce her to jinxie
and make a space for her
dad would have a hernia
and I KNOW mom wouldnt attend to a kittens needs while I am gone
she has NO repest for animals
she would even care that jinxie has to get USED to the new kitten
and when jinx attacks her, she would prolly think shes playing
thats not a good home for a kitten
plus, her adopton fee is 88$
I dont have that kind of money
I mean I DO
but I have other expences now
namely a car, and I want a friggin MP3 player
and I havent been getting good money from the bistro lately
(we filed for bankcrupsy)

so....I dunno
I really, really, REALLY want this kitten
really
but it seems like so much trouble
and...well....

I have a perfectly good cat at home
:)

so...even though I CAN
I dont think I will
maybe when things arent so hectic
and I can actually give my time to a new cat, you know?
I dont want to adopt her and ignore her
she deserves better

in other news...um....
well there really IS no other news

I mean, I have the typical drama
like the ongoing fight between jeremy and jake
jeremy likes me SO MUCH
last night we were on the phone until 4 am
and at the end, he was kind of like
'jess, before you go, I just want to know
WHY arent we together?
you HATE your boyfriend, and we connect so well'

I just didnt have the heart to tell him its becuase he looks like a troll

so I told him that i thought we had something better than that
I told him that I try not to date guy friends, becuase I always fuck it up
I fuck THEM up especially

but yeah
Im not dating him becuase hes unattractive
call me shallow all you want
but thats my reason
fuck everyones opnion

I mean, if Im not turned on by him
WHAT IS THE POINT OF BEING WITH HIM?
I cant have sex with his personality
were better off friends for all my attraction to him is worth

jake on the other hand
hes an asshole
I hate jake
he cant have an intellectual conversaion to save his life
he calls me for the DUMMET things
he always wants me to go and and smoke/drink with him
hes protective, annoying, conceited, over-bearing, egotistical, chuavanistc, over conpensational, immature, anti soical, and all around unitelligent person
HE CANT EVEN APPLY FOR COMMUNITY COLLEGE
all he does is smoke weed and drink all night and day
and STILL has room to critisize everyone else becuase they are making something of themselves
('oh, well at least Im doing somthing I ENJOY. Im better than everyone. blah. blah. blah.)

but the ting with jake?
hes hot
like, really hot
the way he does his hair, and the tight t-shirts he wears
the way he shaves and the colonge he wears
god, I getting horny just THINKING about him
Im seriously attracted to him

but Im thinking
if I slept with him
...I know I would hate myself
I KNOW I would
like, I know after we are done, and Im lying next to him
Im going to want to throw myself off a cliff
becuase I an do SO MUCH BETTER
like, everyone knows it
I can do EXPONETIALLY BETTER

ugh
if only I could put jeremys personality, into jakes body
or something like it
then I would be set
I would have the perfect man

but hey
what can I do?
I can break up with jake already, thats what I can do
but since I havent dated anyone in FOREVER
I kind of want this to go out with a bang, you know?
something REALLY malicious
like, suiside worthy

I know I know
Im a mean little girl
but fuck you and fuck your opnions
Im sick of having to answer to people about how mean I am
Im a bitch
so what?
everyone is
Im just more ruthless and upfront about it

and this time
I REALLY want to make jake feel like
like, seriously
FEEL IT
I want to let him know how STUPID he is
I want him to know that hes a sad excuse for life in general
someones got to do it

uuugghhhh
I dunno why Im being so mean
maybe its the whole 'im not going to adopt this cat' thing
I really wanted her
but everyone is giving me such a hard time about it
and its not like it costs alot
thats really not that much for a pet who has all thier shots, a microchip AND is spayed/neutered
its just that I think that she deserves a better home
one where all the people arent always busy and never around to play with her
I have college, and work
and mom is getting a second job on top of the bistro
dad is either at work, or at the bistro
and I KNOW jinxie is terratorial, so kitten would be left all alone
I think she derserves better
but I still want her
;______;

I just....need to go home and ug my own cat
another reason why I figured I dont want another cat is becuase I dont want to replace jinx
thats messed up

another reason why Im in such a bad mood is becuase of work
I mean, Im still having fun
chrsitian is awesome
I LOVE that girl
shes funny, can take a joke, and knows how to play it cool
she also likes to talk about people with me
plus, shes fast and I dont have to help her as much with her job
she independent, a fast learner, and doesnt complain on the job
its just little things
like my parents slowly running out of steam with this bistro
we have been open a year, and nothing has gotten better
and then, other things
like now that we have 3 waitresses
no one is making as much as they used to
ESPECIALLY me
since I used to have a night ALL TO MYSELF
and now I have to share with sammi and christian
I mean, the only reason we got christian was becuase sammi was quitting
and now we have 3 girls working on the already slow friday night
non of us are making more that 10$ a nigh on friday
and Im used to having a night on my own, where I an garunteed 20$

its just supid
but mom doesnt want to get rid of anyone
she doesnt think I can handle it on my own
HELLO?
I HANDLED IT ALL ON MY OWN PERFECTLY FINE FOR HALF A YEAR AGO
AND WE WERE BUSIER A YEAR AGO
we really dont need either sammi OR christian, you know?
but she wants to be prepared for some reason
so she hired them
but if you asked me opnion
we only need one of them really
this is getting silly
I work 6 hours for 10$?
NO thats not even close to worth it

but getting a second job kind of isnt going to do it for me
I DONT do uniforms, I DONT do rules, and I DONT min wage for a job I dont EVEN LIKE
like jeremy makes the same as me, or even less
but he HATES his job
I love my job

and plus
I couldnt work at a real job
I do stuff here that would GARENTEED get me fired at a real job
like sexual harrassment for fun
and not following rules
and FUCK the dress code
I havent worn pants since september 2008
I am NOT starting now
and i HATE tucking in my shirts
D:

well
thats enough complaining for now
Im stariting to sound like a drag

Im really fine you know?
college is going great
I have NEVER gotten better grades
Im even pulling As in MATH
MATH YOU GUYS
As

I got a 99 on one test
WHAT THE HELL
:D

ugh

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 16:46:27 GMT

I am SO tried
like, seriously

well actually, Im not
Im kind of OK
ive just fooled myself into thinking I was tired

last night I pulled my first all nighter
and it was SO STUPID OMG

I had to go get a copy of my keep made for my car
so I did that, and then I had to return a few DVDS, go grocery shopping and some other arrands for my dad
which was OK I guess
I love driving

but the problem is that when I got the bistro, Bobby and Diane were there
and I owe them a commision
due tomorrow

FUCK

and its a complicated peice of shit
I have to drae old dead rockers
and a sunset
and a mall complex
and fucking ANGELS

what
the
FUCK

and I have had all summer to do it
but I havent
and they want it FRIDAY (today)

so I sped home, and got started
but then I realized that my english critiques were due
AGIAN
FUCK
>:(

so pretty much, I stayed up until 3 am working on the pianting on and off
and while the painting dried every couple of minutes, i went to work on english

Once I got englhish done, I had the BIGGEST headache EVER
seriously
I felt like I was going to throw up from the pain

the painting is actually almost done though
I mean, its a peice of shit
but they should know it was going to be
I am a CARTOONIST
drawing real people isnt exactly what I do
Im not even good at doing those big headed drawins you get at carnivals
(are they called...characachers? D:)
so this painting was already a bust

but its OK looking
the sunset is nice
and the piant I used adds a nice texture

when I get home today, I have to add the finishing touches
you know, shading, a littled but of marker, re outline everything
and also make bobby and diane a little note about thier painting
since it was actually made a peice of mourning for bobbys dead friend

over all, I think Ill charge them 25$
I mean, its peice of shit, you can tell I did it last minute, and I have been bullshitting them this whole time
so....cheap art for them
:D

also, I feel like a jerk
yesterday, just for fun, I called the pet shelter to ask about thier kittens
and some guy just called me back and wants to meet me on monday to see this kitten hes got
he sent me pictures and her info

and I feel AWFUL
she is SO FRIGGIN CUTE

shes a black cat, her name is vivan
she has all her shots, shes microchipped
shes spayed and everything
and she is SO ADORABLE
and apprently very friendly

god I feel like an asshole
WHY did I do that?
this guy sounded so hopeful
shes been in foster care FOREVER
and he finally thinks she can get out

oh em gee
I feel like crap
but mom and dad will NEVER let me adopt her
like, EVER

I feel awful
;______;

new perpective

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 16:13:04 GMT

LOTS GOIN ON IN THE PAST FEW DAYS
I SHOULD PROLY TELL YOU GUYS ABOUT IT
:D

SO GUESS WHAT
I FINALLY SAW
JENNIFERS BODY
:D

I went to go see it with courtney
ON A SCHOOL NIGHT

it was kind of awesome
being out on a school night I mean
oh and the movie was good too

it was like juno and twilight met, and had a baby
and thier kid turned out to be a bloody demonic psycho
IT WAS AWESOME

seriously
and me and courtney had the movie theater to ourselves
SO IT WAS EVEN FUNNIER
like, we luaghed over EVERYTHING

best movie this year
:D

also, the day after
MY DADDY GOT ME A CAR
guys, I have a CAR
A CAR

he bought it from these old people for like, 900 bucks
which is awesome becuase its a chevorlet lumina
its green, has no divider between the seats (easier for KISSING), and the gear shift is in the stearing wheel

its awesome
and I hae named it SHELLY
she looks like this:

shes not EXACTLY what I wanted
wanted something smaller
but thats cool
I really like it
its a nice color (a little lighter than this)
and she runs well
dad says she needs new tires
but other than that, shes golden

she aslo needs some fabreeze
but I didnt tell daddy that
:D

so yeah
good week so far
I am slowly trucking through my work
but you know what I notice?
I procrastinate SO much
when I actually DO the work, its SO much easier than what I thought it would be
like, it takes 45 minutes
D:

so yeah
tonight I have some math to knock out to study for my test in the morning
and then I have to get through my english critiques
THATS what Im REALLY dreading
english critiques are the worst
becuase instead of being blunt about it
I HAVE TO BE NICE

OMG WHAT THE FRICK
IF SOMEONE CANT SPELL
THATS NOT MY FUALT
WHY SHOULD I REWORD MY WHOLE CRITQUE JUST SO I DONT HAVE TO HURT SOMEONES FEELINGS

thats super annoying
like, seriously
super
ANNOYING

but whatev
another reason wh I hate the english critiques is becuase I have SO many things to worry about
I have 8 critieria I have to cover
I have to give compliments before I critisize
AND everything has to be grammatically correct AND use examples from the text

can
you
say
annoying
5timesfast?

I cant
lol

UGHHHH
some librarian lady just told me to keep my music down
I was in the quiet room, which is a room that is blocked off from the rest of the library
which is good, becuase then I dont have to worry about bothering people if its blocked off
and NO ONE was in here when I got here
but suddenly this old black woman came in here
and apprently she complianed

I SHOULD WAIT UNTIL THE LIBRARIAN LEAVES AND THROW STUFF AT THIS BITCH
>:(

fuck spell check

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 16:28:18 GMT

seriously
fuck it
in the ass
with a rake
NO LUBE
:D

yeah no firefox to fix my bad grammer
if you can understand this, Im sorry
:(

OK FUN TIEMS

LOL
FUNNIEST THING EVER
WERE TESTING THE AIR COMPRESSOR
-ARM FLAIL-

also
this is just cute and hilarius
:D

lol
good stuff
shane dawson is kind of boss

anyway...uh...brief recap of my weeks events...
umm....friday I had work
and freaked sammi out by kissing her
which was friggin hilarious
when I told jeremy about it, he lol'd for like, 8 minutes
she felt like she was cheating or something
XD

I dunno,I just have no boundries
I mean, saturday, I totally changed in the back
and christian walked in and was like 'OMG I CAN SEE THINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO BE COVERED BY CLOTHES'
and I just alughed it off

my mom thinks I should make it worse for sammi
like, mess wih her some more
but I dont think I will
if it freaks her out THAT bad, I dont want her to quit

sothen saturday, we had soundbridge,and I made a cool 70$
and since we prepared for soundbridge, we didnt get slammed
we had a full house, but we were prepared
and for the most part, things went smoothly
and when I was done, I was tired al hell
oh man, my feet havent urt like that in LONG time

also on saturday, me and dad when to a car auction
which was a total bust
like, 600 people showed up for about 200 cars
for the most part, delerships were there and won most of the bids
since this was daddys first auction, we didnt stand a chance
he was so quiet, and un assertive
it was...kind of sad, hes such a lamby lamb

he fel so bad that he couldnt score me a car, that hes just going to buy me a used one
I told him not to worry too much, that I dont mind watng for a car
and I am good wit anything I got
as long as its not boxy, not white, and desnt have leather seats
othr than that, i told him o get me any shitty car he can find for a good price
and I can work it

sunday I spent inside doing...really nothing
I washed my hair and striaghtened it
if that counts as something
but it prolly doesnt

so now Im in the library
I didnt have english today, so my first calss was humanites
and then I came here on time JUST to find out that it was canceled too
fucking GREAT
so here I am
4 hours arly for math
with no courtney or anyone to keep my company
and I REALLY want chinese food
:(

oh well
I'll get over it

hmmmm
what else is happenin in m life?
ummm...I have been daing jake for 4 weeks
and I have somehow managed to avoid seeing him without that stretch of time
he has stopped stalking me and simply IMs me all the time now
Im thinking of breaking up with him via webcam video and just ending it there
like, forever
fuck even attempting to give him a chance
or maybe once I get a car, I can surprise him with a visit to his house
then I could get down to the sexy tiems with him
and then break up with him once I get dressed agian

oh man
how epic would that be
:D

haha
bitch mode

so yeah
im bored
boed
bored
bored
:\

wow, its been almost...3 weeks. jesus.

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:48:56 GMT

sometimes I wonder if I should start these journals off with
'dear diary'
even though I really never talk about anything

today is normal so far
I had sociology and a sandwich for breakfast
I watched little mrs sunshine before going to school
I have never seen it before, but it seemed like a funny movie
I loved the part when he brother finds out hes color blind and they send her down to talk to him
she doesnt say a word and just hugs the guy
and then he like, snaps out of it

I wonder WHY you cant be pilot when your color blind
thats silly
but I also wonder why he wanted to be a pilot so badly
but I obviously didnt see the beginning
I tuned in when the wre putting a body in the back trunk
WHY, I'll never know
did they kill someone?
:/

right now Im in the library RIGHT next to courtney
she just found our she has a tes ttoday
I hope she does ok
that sucks
D:

Duets

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 17:00:18 GMT

Im having a weird day
not a bad day, no
its just normal, routine, gray
not a day I would expect much out of

I suppose why I am feeling so weird is because today I had a long conversation with Courtney over chinese food
We just talked about thing
Depressing things
Like how we both don’t know how to plan for the future
How were both un-ambitious
How we both worry about getting married, and the fear that we never will
How we are both regretting community college, because it’s not as social as normal college
How we both feel depressed all the time no, but everything is so routine
We even talked about Jake and how much I really hate him, and I don’t know why
We talked about Renee and how I wish she wouldn’t call me all the time to tell me about her life at Elon
We talked about being loners, and having borderline, and missing Alex
We talked about highschool

It was a nice conversation to have with Courtney
And it made me realize that, even though we both handle things VERY differently (like how she has to talk about her problems, and I have to write about mine)
We both have to deal with the same issues, and we think about those issues the same way
It’s nice to know that there is someone out there who also bases her feelings off looks like me
Someone who thinks about her life in terms of whether or not they get married, like me
Someone who gets depressed for no reason and wonders why like me
And though she has never tried to kill herself or anything, she still does the same destructive behaviors as me
Like binge eating, and not having goals and basing everything on whether or not we get married

Stuff like that
Things that nether Renee or Jarrell or Alex or anyone seem to actually understand
When I tell Jarrell about how I fear I’ll never marry, he laughs and tells me that any guy would be lucky you have me
When I tell Alex, and tried to laugh it off and hastily changes the subject
When I tell Renee, she scoffs and completely casts aside my feelings, and says that I shouldn’t care whether or not a get married
But Courtney, she takes a bite of her shrimp fried rice and says that she worries about the same thing
She says that she think about it all the time, prolly as much or more than I do
And she gets depressed because she thinks it never going to happen, just like me

And that’s just ONE thing we have in common
There are so many more
I dunno, I suppose this experience in community college has taught me 3 really important things
One, is how to be independent and not be ashamed
Two is how to spend my time wisely and actually DO work
And the third, I've noticed how SIMILER me and Courtney are
For the longest time, I just thought we were complete opposites
But I can let Courtney onto a side of me that’s actually realistic
The side that worries about my weight, and appearances
The side that isn’t ambitious and doesn’t care
The side of my that talks about people behind their backs
The side that’s depressed, and watched stupid chick flicks and is really introverted
But at the same time, we can flip those attributes about us, and make them social tools
We can go shopping and talk about our weight and not be ashamed and make it funny
We can joke about not doing our homework
We can walk around any mall and ALWAYS have something to talk about, as long as there are ugly people walking around

I dunno
I’m just starting to realize how important Courtney is to me

I'm also starting to realize how much I hate community college
I want to go to parties
I want to get drunk and make mistakes
I want to make new friends, and new enemies
I want to have sex with people I don’t know and won’t remember
I hate this clean productive routine I have, while people I know are out having fun
I hate that fact that everyone here is so career orientated that they don’t have time to socialize
I hate that fact that I am ACTUALLY DOING MY WORK NOW
WHAT THE HELL MAN

The weird part about today is that,
Even though me and Courtney had that in-depth hour long conversation, in which was reveals a shitload about ourselves
I still don’t feel awkward, or ashamed, or depressed
I just feel normal

Is that weird?

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 20:50:49 GMT

oh man
no journal since the 7th?
Im terrible

actally m busy
REALLY busy
between actually drawing on a regular basis (for once and for no logical reason)
and actually doing my school work,
In SWAMPED all he time

but heres a quick review of the week:

I get 5 points off an english essay for being late :/
I went to my nieces christening, and I retain my beliefs that it was the dumbest thing I have ever been too. Seriously, whats the point of a condemning a child to Christianity for life? it'll make no difference if she switches denominations when she older, and its almost like your giving her no choice BUT to become a christian. Its ridiculous, pointless, and slightly oppressive.
I have yet to break up with jake
I am also NEVER setting foot in church again. someone got the holy ghost behind me, and I wanted to punch them in the face. plus, I haven't been to church in 10 years, and I just felt weird, like everyone knew I was a non-believer. plus EVERYTHING the preacher said made my cringe and roll my eyes.
I also went to work for the first time in what felt like forever. I have also decreed that have to come to work SUPER early for now on, to get the customers before that gold digging christian. I like her, but shes a little better than sammi at this job, and therefor competition. I have to step up my game.
I presented my project for humanities and it was pretty good (interpretive dance FTW!!)
I aslo have been having a weird week associated with the color red. I had a nightmare the other night and the whole thing was entirely in a red hue, but I don't remember what happened exactly, just that something terrible DID happen. Then later on that afternoon I got a nose bleed in the library. This wouldn't be so weird if it wasn't for the fact that I NEVER get nose bleeds. In fact, I have never had one. I have no idea where this one came from. when it dripped onto my sketchpad, I nearly screamed. I also keep seeing red shadows reflected off cars back lights that are parked in my driveway. The weird thing about this is that 1) the cars aren't parked any different way, yet I have never seen this red light before and 2) the reflections of red off the back lights are cast where SHADOWS are supposed to be, but that cant be possible since they are REFLECTIONS. what. the. hell. I am going to die.
I met Jason parents this week, and they are pretty cool people
I had my first Smirnoff ice the other day, and it tasted like soda. it was raspberry flavor and I chugged the whole thing in about 10 minutes. I didnt really feel anything, except that I fell asleep on the couch for a good 20 minutes later, and I felt slightly light headed for the next couple of minutes
me, Jason and Nikki watched the VMAs last night, Kanye is a jack ass
incidentally I forgave him when he apologized on Jay Leno. :(
I have been drawing WAY too much in th past couple of days, and I love it. I am finally starting to develope a style that i LIKE. Its pretty amazing
I re-installed my old harry potter games on my computer, and even though I had to un-install them becuase of system complications, I got througha good amount, and felt some good old nostoldia. :)

thats about it really
nothing much else is going on
Im working on an essay, eating some chips, and trying to get eveything I have done

oh oh!
also
this past week has blessed me with NEW MUSIC
not such i big deal to you
but, i cant funtion right without a song stuck in my head
I even made a playlist for them
:)

anyway
I have work to do
I might not write form a while
lots of essays and projects due this week and the next
but ill keep you posted!
so enjoy!

labor day

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 03:13:56 GMT

uuugghhh
happy friggin labor day

I cried 3 times today
and it was over such stupid things
it was such a good day too

today was my sisters birthday
pretty much i hung out with her and Jess Jess
then Sharron, Reggie, and Jason came over and we had a cook out
then Reggie/Jason got high in the back yard
and then they left

it was an OK day
I kind of wish i had spent it alone
being with my family this WHOLE week has done nothing for me
in fact, its made me even more tired
I feel unrested and annoyed

2 of the times i cried today was watching Balto
TWO SEPARATE TIMES
the first my sister caught me sobbing over a kids movie
but I couldn't help it
Balto is emotional at the end!

the second time i watched Balto, it was sort of forced
like that happy sort of cry where the fact that your smiling causes the tears to leak out

the 3rd time?
well i was taking a shower and thinking about the best way to handle this jake situation
I got out of the shower, and the commercial break on the radio was FINALLY over
and I was ready for some tunes to dry to

collide came on
and of course, EVERYONE should know by now
that's me and Robbie's song
old news? I know

but I just cant listen to it without thinking about him

well it came on
and I don't know what it is about radios in the bathroom
but that song is ten times more beautiful on the radio bouncing off the tiles of my bathroom than anything else
and I just stopped in mid drying and sat on the floor
I just just looked at the walls, and mid song I burst into tears
it was surreal, and wonderful at the same time

like, half of my couldn't believe that the song had come on the radio
its such a personal song
it always gets me when it shows up in random places
it surprises me that its available to other people too
sometimes it seems like that song belongs to only me and Robbie
and no one else has ever truly heard it before
I know i didn't even like it until he died

when it was over
I felt like i was frozen to the rug of my bathroom
here I was, wet, naked, and crying on the floor of my steamy hot bathroom over a song on the radio

what the hell is WRONG with me?

there's nothing i can say about him that I haven't already said
but i can reiterate
since its that important

I miss him
I miss him all the time
the littlest things remind me of him
and they all kill me inside

even this song, which i cant even listen to most of the time
soothes and hurts me at the same time
its like his embodiment in song form to me
I feel so much closer to him when its on
he feels more like a person, rather than a memory
I can remember him as he was
alive, and laughing, and picking me up and kissing my forehead
rather than the dull haunting memory of him in that casket that i couldn't take my eyes off of

and the more I think about it
the more i got into the song and thinking about Robbie
the more i realized how much I wanted to break this off with Jake
not only becuase i still feel guilty and attached to Robbie
but I feel like I am causing Jake unnecessary hurt
before he even realizes it

also
I feel amazed that I even managed to cry in the shower
how the steam didn't just evaporate my tears is beyond me

I really love this song becuase it makes me feel not so empty :)

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 21:45:49 GMT

Im bad at keeping up with the posts
:D

ANYWAY
today I did something BAD
and SURVIVED!!!

I took moms car
while shes at the beach
>:D

I went to the store
and got donuts, and lettuce, and oranges, and ravioli
I paid for it, and was surprised it was only 12$
went to jarrells house
and dropped off his Buddha I got him from new york
then I went home
had a sandwich and chips and cranberry juice
and watched shrek

and it felt great

I drove the WHOLE time
by myself
I parked
and went in reverse
and stopped at stop signs
and DIDNT HIT ANYTHING OR DIE

it was amazing

I feel so independent
:D

anyway
friday was...annoying
I had one class
and I went
and I should have gone home
but I went with courtney into the city with her friend
and it was REALLY annoying

the guy is really immature
and his sense of humor is stupid
worst, courtney thought he was HILARIUS
like, she really was entertianed by EVERYTHING he did
including going to CVS and asking about crabs
and then pointing to me, like I was the one with crabs
and courtney just thought it was SO FUNNY
it wasnt
it was immature, stupid, and embarassing for me
I felt like i was baby sitting
seriously

I know I sound like a stuffy adult
but I dont care
it wasnt funny

but I think I would have been in a better mood if:
- I wasnt all sweating from having to walk from CPCC to the city
- I didnt have a hole in my leggings that was making my thigh chafe LIKE HELL OMG PAIN
- I wasnt on my period

but all these things mixed together made for a really annoying day
so when I went home, I did not want to go to work
and mom was really understanding and let me have the night off
the bistro was empty anyway

then I figured out that I was sick on that friday
but it wasn't like...physically sick
I was emotionally sick
like my limbs felt weak, and my chest hurt from the middle
I couldn't keep my eyes open, and my head hurt
and I could think about was the whole jake/jeremy thing
I don't like EITHER of them
Im dating ONE of them
and I don't even like him

and I feel awful for it it
I mean, who would have thought
me? have feelings? for another person?
me, actually putting someones needs before my own
and not sacrificing them for my own entertainment

what the hell

I wish I wasn't so complicated
I wish that when someone liked me, I could just like them back
and not be so picky
but I am
and I miss being single
and I dont know how to beak it off with jake
or tell jeremy to lay off of him

so I went to bed super early
my parents thought I had swine flu
I had a fever

but in the morning, I felt MUCH better
so much better
I felt sunny and new and happy

and my parents were leaving today
not like i was happy about that
I was really sad
I really have been dreading this week that they would be away
that I would have to be alone

I mean, its not like I dont enoy being alone
but them comming back once in a while is nice
just so I can sleep

and...secretly
becuase I love my parents more than anyone else in the whole world
and I like hanging out with them
even if they drive me nuts sometimes
I love them so much

so this weekend...well I wasnt looking forward to it
but they HAD invited me to the beach with them
and since I didnt want to becuase of my weight
I decided to stay
and now the day had come for them to leave
and I wasn going to gripe about it

so I said goodbye to them
like, a million times
and they left
and it wasnt so bad

I stayed home with nikki and jason
we watched movies
and I did homework
and got an 80% on my sociology quiz
then I cleaned the kitchen
and killed a fly with my bare hands on the first try
and made spagetti for dinner
I picked out all the white twisty noodles
from a huge plastic bin we have had FOREVER
in the bin as green, and orange noodles
and I picked out the white ones out of the bin
I boiled them
and thawed a buger patty
and smushed it down so I could make ground beef
I cooked it, and seasoned it, and put it in pasta suace
and once I had stired everything, and drianed everything, and cooked for 2 hours
my dinner was ready

and it was GREAT
it really was
I had two bowls

I dunno whats so satisfying about eating your own food
but there is some thing about it thats just amazing

so then, we all watched movies
and played with jess jess (who was super hyperlast night)
until we all fell asleep
jason got nikki a camera for her birthday
and they liked my spagetti
my left wrist really hurt for some reason, so playing with jess jess was painful
but I love her so much, I didnt care
just seeing her laugh is worth it

so eventually they left
and my aunt came over
and I called jarell
and we talked until I fell asleep
and then my aunt woke me up
so we could look for her son at 2am
it was annoying but I felt bad for her
and I was half asleep anyway

we found him eventually
and she took me home
and I went back to bed until 1 ish
and then I got dressed and went out grocery shopping
and well...here I am

I use ALOT of ands
I just noticed
its kind of cute
:D

anyway
right now
I am outside with the laptop
its so nice out here
its breezy, and the sun is setting
everything is so peaceful and orange from the sunset
its not hot, or cold, its perfect
all the birds are singing
and the leaves are rustling
and the bees are buzzing
and everything is perfect

Ive got my hair down and letting the wind blow through it
I have on my favorite skirt and my legs are touching the grass
my cat is right next to me, sniffing around and meowing

I can actually forget about how screwed up my life is at the moment
and just enjoy the sky and the breeze and 'the arcade fire'

this is how it should always be

everything is cosmic (part 2! see earlier journals with this title)

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 16:47:49 GMT

yesterday was a good day

it started off bad

I was on my period
and I realized that I had forgotten my math book SOMEWHERE
I was pretty sure I had lost it forever
and I NEEDED it
and then mom didnt want to take me to school
so reggie did
and it was weird
then I had killer cramps
ALL through sociology
and it was like, STUPID HURTING
i couldn't even pay attention
and then courtney went with me to find my math book
I left it RIGHT on the table next tot the vending machine
or thats what I thought at least
so we checked the office
but nothing was there
so I had to conclude that my book was gone

but it got a little better when courtney took me to our fav Chinese place
and she offered to pay for me, since I had no cash on me
and i thought that was really nice
once I had eaten, the cramps kind of ebbed away
and i read my fortune:

'you luck will change today
be patient'

I just scoffed and tossed it to the side
the only luck I was getting was a free lunch
my book was lost
i prolly failed my math test that i took yesterday
and my period was KILLING me

but hey, its a fortune
whatever

then I went to math class
and Will, this guy that i used to know from highschool
brought me ALL the notes from last semester
he was just like 'yeah, I was looking through my closet and found some notes for this class
I thought you could use them :)'

OMG THEY ARE THE BEST NOTES EVER
seriously, I dont even know him like that
and hes so nice to me
I dunno why I am always surprised when people show me random kindness
but it always catches me by surprise and leaves me breathless
maybe becuase i gave up on human kindness after kyle
but its people like Will that have a knack for bringing back that faith

hes going a be a cool friend to have in this class

so THEN, after i was beaming from that
I got my math test
and i was SO sure I failed

NO
I DIDNT
I GOT A C
A FRIGGIN C
I WAS SO HAPPY
I GOT A HIGH C ON MY EXAM!!

I also fainted
I mean, a C isnt perfect
but is WAY better than an F
:D

so that makes a 95 on my quiz this week
and a 80 on my exam too
both in math

Im getting pretty good!

then when class was over
will gave me a hug and jetted off
I dunno what is it about hugs
but it always surprises me when i get one
dunno why
but it does
must be that human kindness thing

anyway
after math
I went outside and called alex
I offered to give her a ride home
since I always feel bad when she has the ride the bus
so me and her hung out while waiting for my mom
and just laughed about this whole jake thing
and how he doesn't even know
LOL

then i told her about my book
and she recolonized it
and said that it was in the back seat of my moms car from when we had dropped her off yesterday
i am I almost spazzed out
i hadn't even CHECKED THERE
I was so sure I had left it on the table
I didn't get my hopes up that it was in the car
even though alex was sure
but low and behold, when I got in the car
she held it up

I almost started to foam at the mouth
I had never seen a more beautiful text book
EVEROMGOMGHDSJFGUDSI

haha
I was SO happy to have found it
thanks to alex!!

so then, after a hilarious ride home with alex
one which my mom freaked out b/c there was a funeral procession blocking our exit
I got home and draw a little, took a nap, watched TV and talked to jeremy
me and him talked until 2 am on skype last night
he had taken his sleeping meds and was WIGGIN OUT
it was so funny
he was like, super baked

but while being baked
he kind of admitted to me that hes addicted to popping pills
it was kinda heavy for such a retarded conversation
most of it consisted of us making fun of have stupid jake is
and estimating how long it'll be before he figures out that I didn't lose my phone
I also think Jeremy is enjoying all the attention
since we are trying to make it seem like i like Jeremy more than jake
but Jake is so thick he doesn't get it
its still funny
:D

at the same time
while i get closer to Jeremy
i realize how well we get along
and how funny he is, and super nice
and actually a real person, you know?

its not like I haven't thought about being with him instead
I have
but, if there is one thing I have learned
its that sometimes, i just prefer some people as friends
I may try and fool myself into thinking that i would enjoy it if I got WITH them
but Im 18 years old
and I know myself better than that
I like the way things are between me and Jeremy
I like the way things are between me and Jarrell
and I liked the way things were before between me and Jake
when I find a guy I'm interested in like that
I'll know right away
I knew right away with Kyle
so I'll know

and I think his name is JOE OMG
he's in my english and humanities class
HES SO CUTE
:D

ALSO
HAVE YOU NOTICED ALL THESE J NAMES?
WHAT THE FUCK MAN

I love it when i can sort out my feelings
it makes things so much easier for me

pretty lazy day ahead of me
one class today
humanities teacher is off to the beach
and our english teacher gave us an online assignment instead of class
so all I have is math today
Im still at home :D

so I guess my fortune really DID come true
I didnt even have to wait that long
:)

NOW
FOR DAY 7 OF MAKING JAKES RELATIONSHIP A JOKE

HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW ALEX
:D

my beloved monsterrr :)

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 00:57:46 GMT

good day today
the weather was fantastic
sunny, a little breezy, 77 degrees
absolutely perfect
I even went outside while waiting for my mom
it was so nice outside
:)

so today
I went shopping with my mom for toiletries
I was in DESPERATE need of shampoo and conditioner
no to mention palmade, oil, pads, eyeliner, a new waxing kit, vaseline and razors
all together, it cost 35$
which was just about what I had
and it was a pretty good deal
since i got ethnic hair products instead of the usual stuff for white folks

so I just got out the shower
I waxed my front lip with the waxer I got
HUTE LIKE HELL OMG
and I shaved my underarms, stomach, forearms, thighs/legs, toes/feet, fingers, and vag
I KNOW THATS ALOT
but i seriously like being hairless
like...I just feel disgusting when im not shaved everywhere
and then I washed my hair using the ethnic pantene stuff
and I could REALLY tell the difference b/t it and the stuff I usually use
white people products make my hair hard and brittle when I wash the shampoo out
this stuff left is smooth and untangled
so the conditioner really wasn't needed

so now Im out of the shower
clean, shaven, and CURLY OMG

my hair is like, fro tastic right now
Im actually letting it dry before I put the palmade in it

WELL
I GOTS HOMEWORK THAT NEEDS GETTING DONE
AND A BOYFRIEND TO SHAMELESSLY AVOID
SO PEACE OUT HOMIES
:D

I rock :)

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 03:35:55 GMT

seriously
so much virtual love tonight
my facebook was epic

so epic in fact
I made an LJ about it
:D

I had webcam convos
and random status's of other people dedicated to me

it was so nice :)

I think I should be friendlier more often
and try to go the distance for my friends more too
it never stops amazing me how much I am loved

it always takes me by surprise
:)

its official. I am the duaghter of the devil

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 17:23:56 GMT

"maybe well call it, 'Im going to kiss you now, and see how I feel in the morning' "

well baby
its morning
and Im feelin' pretty sick

oh yes
I'm a terrible person
becuase I've made up my mind

so what?
I know what I want
and there is nothing wrong with that

and I want to be single again

I had a day or two to think about it
about me and jake
and at first, I willing to tough it out in hopes that we could be something great
seeing as this is new to me and I just need adjusting

no
I dont need adjusting
I need to be single again
JESUS

I say sex in the city yesterday
and I realized that I am JUST like samantha
the relationship I have with myself
is the one I need to work on
not the one have with some other man

here, in case you havent seen it, skip to the very middle when she says 'we need to talk'

I love jake
I do
but I love me way more
infinetly more
and I dont want to suffer JUST to be with him and make him happy
thats not what I want
and its not right

I know thats not something a good person would say
so then call me a bad person
but at least I would be happy

this sprouted yesterday when I woke up
I usually dont do much on sundays
hang out around the house, do some luandry
and then he called
and I was like 'hi'

and I was DREADING it
I mean, I dreading talking to my boyfriend
how messed up is that?

so he said hi
and I asked him what he wanted
and he said 'just to hear my voice'
and then he went silent

and by this point I just mentally said 'oh shit'
hes already way over his head
and I dont even want to talk to him

after 3 long agonizingly quiet seconds
he asked me if I want to go out today
and I said no
and then he was like, what about monday
and I said I had plans with courtney
and then he proceeded to ask for EVERY day of the week

it was suffocating
I felt cornered, and pressured
and not happy at all

so I just said I was busy
and that I had to go b/c my dad was calling me
(he wasnt)

it gets worse
later that night
he IMed me until I answered
and jut talked to be about how he feels
like, it was actually annoying
becuase he did it in such a childish fashion

DIRECT QUOTES FROM THE IM:
Im purple
hes blue

what do you think our relationship is like?
you tell me
well, I think its a romance cuaght between love and friendship ^_^
haha sure it is
oh fine be a meanie T_T
thats what I am I guess
well you cant be becuase Im with you and I dont go out with mean people ^_^
gee, thanks

UGH
OH MY GOD
WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 3 DAYS
AND HES ALREADY FEEDING ME LINES FROM TWILIGHT
I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO GO PUBLIC ABOUT IT
I JUST WANT TO MESS AROUND

now
I dont even want to do that
I dont want to give him the satisfaction of taking my v-card
he doesnt deserve it
I can do SO much better

and you when its reachs the point where a slut like me doesnt even want to give it up to her boyfriend
ITS BAD
I cant do this

and the thing is
I KNEW this would happen
courtney told me
I wanted to proove that I could
I wanted to proove that I could reel him in in
I wanted to proove that I still had that power

and now that I have
hes nothing to me

and the thing about it is that
its not me
ITS HIM
I see things in him that he just cant see
I see how annoying he is, and how immature
I see through his comments ans through his feelings
and as much as I wish I could see past it
I will NEVER be able to think of his as more than a child
becuase thats what he is to me
hes not even on the same level

he may be a smart, semi responsible 20 year old man
but to me hes just an annoying freshman who puts ^_^ at the end of all his sentences
and I can do better

I know
shit's fucked up
but its true

the only problem is
what do I do
I dont want to be with him
it doesnt even hurt to say that
I DONT WANT TO BE WITH HIM
but how do I tell HIM that
without him making a scene and hating me forever
not that I care, Im going to block him from my life after this
but I dont want to fuck him up so bad that he talks about me

of course, he could just not care
since hes got the emotion range of a teaspoon, it shouldnt be that hard

actually the only reason Im still with him is becuase we went public on FB
and I would be embarassed to have the change my status already

like I said
I am the daughter of the devil
and I regret nothing

the name dave is pretty close to jake isnt it? close enough to sing to anyway :)

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 06:34:35 GMT

ok
this is the best feeling ever
all day Ive just been running around and humming and blushing at random
this so stupid and silly
and I cant believe its over something so silly

buuuut....
I got to change my relationship status on face book to
'in a relationship'
:)

I haven't done that...ever
I have never been in a relationship when i was on facebook
and I have been on FB for a LONG time

I didn't even have to do it
he sent me the request
I just found it at work
and smiled like an idiot for 5 straight minutes
:)

soooooo it was a normal day
besides the fact that I was such a friggin Disney character

I hung out with my sister a bit
I went to work
it was normal
no Christian
which was great
more moneys for meeee
:D

and then during work
he called me
and just want to talk
I didn't have long
but just hearing his voice was nice

but this doesn't mean its all daisies and sunshine
I'm still kind of skeptical
like, not super skeptical
but I'm having trouble adjusting

like, hes super sweet about it
I have never seen this side of him
and i like it
but its still hard for me to get used to it
me being with someone
and that someone being Jake
I just keep imagining new ways for us to interact
little things
like him taking me to school once or twice
or us watching cartoons
or me cooking for him just becuase
or playing video games together

you know
little things

Im just having a hard time connecting it to JAKE
my Jake
jake gray

jake jake?
what?

I feel like he needs a new name or something
becuase the face I see in my head doesn't match his
its kind of blank like a mannequin

I guess Im just having trouble connecting the dots
which is understandable
I havent done this in so long
not seriously at least, since kyle

also, Im slightly embarrassed
that i was so awkward last night
like SERIOUSLY AWKWARD OMG
I wish I could just grow up
and learn to deal with these things like and adult
and be cool

but then again
he was nervous too
I felt his heart in my ears
it was going faster than mine
<3333333333

also
I feel slightly guilty
I mean...I dunno
I know its been a year since he died
but I feel sort of guilty
becuase me and Robbie were sort of together when he died
(well, we would have been had I picked up the phone before he died)
but we were still there
it just wasn't public
and when he died
it never let me
i felt like a widow
and that i should mourn his memory forever
and never move on

and now, little more than I year later
I'm with someone else
and i feel guilty, and dirty
and awful
its this feeling of regret deep in my stomach
like I am doing something unholy

is this right?
now I understand how Cho felt when she kissed harry
and now I seriously hate harry even more for not understanding how hard it was for her to like him, when Cedric is dead
how could he be like that? just abandon her becuase she cried for Cedric?
what the hell

lol
LOOK AT ME
COMPARING MY LIFE TO HARRY POTTER
YAY IM SUCH A DORK

pretty much
I feel guilty
and happy
and awkward
and excited

but one thing I'm not feeling?
regret
yeah, I could have done ti better
but, when i woke up this morning
i didn't have a feeling of dread like I usually do when these sort of things happen
I just felt...normal
in fact, I felt great
the thought of last night didn't bother me at all

and that's really rare for me
so...I suppose
for now
well see where it takes us
but Im kind of leaning more towards the super slow route
I need time to adjust
:)

BUT STILL THIS IS PRETTY COOL
I'm such a retard
:D

Star trek, boots, and porches :)

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 06:16:51 GMT

did....did I just....kiss jacob gray
like...for real?
...really?
REALLY?
oooommmgggggg
my heart it threatening to kill me
seriously
I can feel it beating in my mouth its so frantic
and excited
and
and
OMG

BUT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT
YOU MUST HERE ABOUT HOW CRAZY MY DAY WAS

so after math me and CC decided to just GO FOR SOMETHING CRAZY
and get our noses peirced
and it was going to be SO COOL OMG
and then after we would see something
maybe not ponyo
since it was only playing at two theaters
and one was super small, and the other, super far away

so the first place we went to, the guy who does the piercings wasn't there
his HAND was broken
so the guy gave us directions to a new place

now, we prolly should have taken that as a sign
that nose piercings just weren't happening today
buuuuut we didn't give up

so we went to this place downtown
where there was no parking or anything
so we decided to par the car in the back, check to see if it was ok with the front, and then move it if was had to
cause you know, if push came to shove, we could park at Walgreens and walk or something

so when we got to the front of the tattoo parlor
there was a cardboard box that said 'your car is already towed'
and we were like, 'what?'
so we rushed back

when courtney said there was a boot on her car
I just thought she was joking
good ol' courtney lighting the mood

NO
SHE WAS NOT JOKING
THERE WAS A HUGE BOOT ON HER CAR
PREVENTING US FROM MOVING

what
the
hell

oh oh
BUT IT GETS BETTER

a big black guy came out of the shadows
and said 'the tow truck is on the way'
and OMG I just couldn't help but laugh
like, not like it was funny
but i was scared
I immediately thought of having to get picked up by our parents in downtown charlotte
behind a tattoo parlor,with everyone wondering what we were doing on that side of town, and heading to the tow truck zone
all the paper work, and evil looks by the poor souls who had found themselves in the same predicament as us
and the towing company's many sleazy employers, profiting happily out of other peoples misfortunes

oh yes
I thought about that
and the poetic tragedy of it all
and the hilarity of it
and...I always choose the funny, over the deep
so i laughed

immediately Alex got quiet
and courtney...kind of...panicked?
yeah
panicked is the word

I really felt for her
her car was getting towed
by big black bubba
who had tools
and a scary face
and kind of looked like a pedo

eventually, with much coaxing, he decided to just take the boot off
instead of call the tow truck
but it would still be 50$
which Courtney didn't have
but i did
so I helped her out, and she paid me back right afterward
not very happily I'll admit
actually, she seemed more mad at me for having to pay me back then the actual situation
actually, the whole car ride back was....
scary
and awkward
and fast
and QUIET

especially quiet
at first, I thought that courtney was going to be OK
you know, she was pissed about it
but she could vent and be OK
but after the first couple of minutes of her not saying a thing
and me and Alex's attempts to make her feel better failed
the rest of the ride was devoted to not burning under Courtney's potent rays-of-death
seriously, you could feel the it coming off her
it was like a fog
thick, and penetrating ever crack
I couldn't even look in her direction
seriously, she didn't say anything for the 15 minute ride to my house
but you could tell, she was ready to explode with rage

when we got to my house
I offered to let Alex stay for a while
so that she wouldn't have to ride home alone with courtney
becuase I KNOW Alex
she hates awkward silences
HATES THEM OMG
and I really knew that CC the alone time
she didn't even want to go out with us anymore
we offered to pay for her movie ticket an everything
but just wasn't feeling it

but me and Alex still kind of wanted to go out
so instead of dragging her alone, and making her have an awful time
Jake offered to take me and her to the movies instead
along with a few words of sympathy in Courtney's way
but I knew that nothing we would say would make her feel better
and it was best if we just left it alone, and waited it out
and one day, when CC's death rays deactivated, we would laugh about it

actually at the movie
she tex'd Alex and asked if I was there
and it seemed like she felt better
she said that she was going to research some places
and we would get our noses peirced on Monday
she seemed OK
so I really hope everything worked out
Im sure that her parents made it much better
sometimes, that's what it takes
mom and dad being cool when your in a fix
so I hope that shes OK and feel better

at one point tho, I think courtney blamed us
like, she was so annoyed
she angrily suggest that me and Alex help pay for the boot removal
and though i could understand were she was coming from
since it REALLY wasn't her fault and she had to pay anyway
I HAD helped her out by paying for it to begin with
(but I didn't mind since she had payed me back right after)
so i felt my job was done

NONE of us could have known that was going to happen
and it totally wasn't fair for her to have to pay for something that wasnt ever her fault
I really don't have any words of wisdom or fairness for this
it..just happened
and we got out the best we could

I think she should just be happy that the man lowered the price from 100 to 50
that wasn't THAT nice of him
but it was better than nothing anyway

god
those tow people must make a lot of money
they sit and wait in the plain clothes and undercover cars
hide out in the parking lot, wait for people to leave their cars
then slap on a boot, and expect them to pay out of the ass for its removal
which is SUCH a scam!
we were only there for a minute or so
and either way, WHERE THE HELL ARE THE TATTOO PARLOR PATRONS SUPPOSED TO PARK?
SERIOUSLY?

that's the part that pissed me off
HOW were we trespassing?
we parked behind the establishment we were GOING to?
how the HELL does that parlor make MONEY if all their customers get TOWED?
THE HELL???

ugh
anyway
that was a huge annoyance of the day
I told my mom about it
and she told me to report it to the police
to make sure it wasn't really a scam
I cant believe I hadn't thought of mentioning the police to that guy
I bet he would have changed his tune if I got our men in blue involved
I mean, I cant be in the wrong
I just want to make sure Im not being cheated

but then again
I couldn't think straight with CC panicking
it really scares me when she panics
usually shes the one laughing at our bad luck
and just calm and chill

but then again
the bad luck has never been THAT bad
and its also never been directed toward her car

so anyway
after I reported the incident
Jake came to get me and Alex
and we went to the 1.50 movie
and SAW STAR TREK

seriously
kirk
IS BAD ASS
and I cant BELIEVE that SPOCK got the GIRL
not just the girl, but the BLACK GIRL
HOLY SHIT RIGHT?
spock got jungle fever
:D

also
captian kirk
CAPTIAN KIRK
aaahhhhhhh
just a bowl of SEXYFINE
lord
so
HOT

so we saw that
and drove Jake crazy
becuase every time kirk or spock came on
me and Alex would squeal
and we seriously talked through the WHOLE thing

it was fun

and it was also agonizing
becuase seriously, I sat right next to Jake
and he was just there
the WHOLE TIME
and i could feel his arm on mine
and the way he smelled
like curve, and skin, and sweat
and it seriously gave me goosebumps
I blamed those on the cold theater
what else could i say?

so after the movie
Alex lost her bag
and then found it
and we hung out in the car
and I called a guy with his date a fag out the window
and we went to my house
and made grilled cheese
and I burnt the grilled cheese to all hell
and saw resident evil
and watched 'what not to wear'
and....chilled

lots of ands
:D

then Jake had to go
so I walked him out the door

all night I had been holding it back
how i felt
how it was beating me breathless
but suddenly, now that we were alone, my heart was like a tight, fast and constricting
I was...giddy
like....school girl giddy
this feeling was so FOREIGN
I mean, I used to be a FUCKING MASTER AT THIS
and suddenly my heart turns into a jack hammer

but I knew
that it was either now for never
not just for him
but for me
i had to prove to myself
that I COULD do this again

for so long
i had given up dating and flirting and EVERYTHING
becuase i was hurt
I wasn't ready
I didn't want to be
I just wanted to be alone
and prove to myself that i could be

and now, i know I can be alone
Im fine being single
but there's a difference between learning that its OK to be single
and just not looking for anyone at all
I am totally fine with being single
becuase I am totally confident in myself
and though it took 2 years to reach this point
I got there

in fact, ever since kyle tried to be my friend
Ive been over him for a long time
Ive been over him, and Ive been getting more and more comfortable being alone

but for some reason, I just...lost the need
I lost the drive and the guts to go out
and find someone i could BE with

I needed to prove to myself
that I could DO this
you know?
that I could suck it up
and ignore my pounding heart
and just...do it
ignore logic and rationality for the first time since I lost kyle
and just DO something for me for once

so we went out on my porch
and for a while, i just looked at the sky
my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my rib cage
I was SO sure he could hear it, pounding against my chest
and for the first time that night
i was speechless
I couldn't think of a thing to say

so I just looked at him
and said
'well, its been driving me crazy all summer
I cant stop thinking about it (I couldn't bring myself to say 'you')
ever since you came over a few weeks ago
its been in my head and wont go away'

when I asked him if he knew where I was going with it
he shook his head

great
I have to spell it out for him

and i just decided to go the middle school root, and just spill it out, come what may
'I like you. alot. alot alot. I really like you. really.
but you have a girlfriend'

and he was like
'no I don't!'

and i pointed out that his facebook said so
and he just laughed
and said it was a joke
and that...he was available

and i looked away
and said 'well so am I'

and then he was quiet
and asked if i wanted to go out

all i could manage to say after a long pause of looking at the sky was
'no...not going out...'

and he was quiet for a minute
and then said
'I guess well just call it...that thing'

and I laughed
and said these EXACT WORDSOMG

"maybe well call it, 'Im going to kiss you now, and see how I feel in the morning' "

and....oh em gee
my heart was hammering so fast
but I put my hands on his face
told him to hold still
and just...kissed him
at frist, it was slow, and innocent
and then he just grabbed me by the waist and pulled me in
he opened his mouth and I had to move my hands around his neck

at this point
my heart was moving at a near suicidal pace
so I broke off and just hugged him
and said that my heart was making it hard for me to breath
and just laughed about it
and said his was too
I could feel it in his chest
thumping against my cheek
just like mine

I wonder why hearts do that
try to kill you with beating
when all you want it to do is lie still
and cooperate
so that you can at least ENJOY this moment

so we just stood there for a minute
and hugged
and laughed

and then i kind of backed off
and told him that...i would see him later
and he nodded and planted a kiss on my lips
quick and sweet

then he turned and jogged down my stairs
and was off

I didn't even wave to him
I ran back in the house and jumped on Alex squealing about it

me! SQUEALING!! I HAVEN'T DONE THAT SINCE....
my god
KYLE
I haven't had a squee worthy moment like that since KYLE
and now it was with...Jake
Jake Gray
and I was SQUEALING ABOUT IT

man
I missed that feeling

so...at the moment
I know i meant what I said
i want to take things slow
get used to this
and try and remember what it was like
so im not...a total spaz at it
you know, like seeing movies
talking on the phone
chilling out
little things
no facebook relationship status change
no announcing it to everyone (except Alex and CC of course!)
and just...relaxing about it

becuase
like i said
this may feel great now
but I never know how I'm going to feel in the morning
but i am going to try and give this one a real shot
like, a real shot at something
not the usual stunts I pull
kiss, tell, and then remember that I'm a shallow bitch and break up with them at the mall
that kind of stunt

so for now
all it was was a kiss
no attachment or anything
just a kiss on my porch
under the summer night sky
with my heart hammering like a jack hammer

wow
I missed this feeling
<3