so....this time last year...
I had been at a farwell party for harry potter at barnes & noble at concord mills
me, marisa, alex, and marisa's younger sister had decided to dress up, and go
(haha, I was pavati :D)

I mean, it was going to be the LAST party like this
and we had never been to these things (I always pre-order my books)
so we figured, it would be fun

it was

we met up with sarah, and had the time of our lives
running around the store with the other harry potter nerds
reading old books HP from off the shelves
quizing eachother
we even got interviewed by a film crew about our obsession with harry potter
AND, our parents saved us a place in line at midnight
I was the SECOND PERSON in the WHOLE STORE to get my book
and this probably sounds ridiculous, but I ran to get my copy
the whole crowd in line was cheering
and the minute the book touched my fingers
it
was
like
magic
I started to cry

here, in my hands, was the end of harry potter
I had never felt such a sudden burst of euphoria
I literally started to cry, and ran out of the book store with it in my hands
marisa was close behind, bumping, and knocking over a book shelf on her way out (she barely even noticed)
alex came next, clutching her book for dear life
and then, all three of us colapsed in a fit of uncontrollable laughter
for here, in our very muggle hands, was the last harry potter book
the feeling that I felt...is unexplainible

for me, harry potter was a philosophy, like a religon (on offence intended)
I grew up with it, from when I was in 5th grade
it had been with me all my life
it had seen me through all these years
I knew the charactors as if they were my own friends
I knew their WORLD as if I lived in it myself
having the end of this wonderful saga in my very hands...
it was a feeling of uncontrollable happiness and depression
I cant honestly think of what to compare it, except maybe this:
its like...growing up with a best friend
being with them from the beginning, and watching them progress
and then comes the finale day, when they must leave for the better
and you are so proud, and unimaginably happy
its like that, only TEN TIMES CONCENTRATED
like all these feelings AT ONCE
instead of spread out over time
it was amazing

So when I got home, I didnt start
I wanted to read ALL THE OTHER BOOKS before I read the last one
I had gotten an early start, and was SUPPOSED to continue reading the end of the 5th one
but...after seeing that new 7th book in my room for 2 days
I couldnt resist
I spark-noted the 5th and 6th book
and then I began to read the last

for 4 days, I didnt eat
sleep
bathe
or do anything else
when I went to the bathroom, I took the book with me
my mom, for fear of my health, would occasionally bring up food for me
and if anyone DARED interupt me
they would be swiftly ignored

I know
completly and utterly silly right?

well, I'll say this:
the book was a roller coaster
during the book I cried, ALOT
and sometimes, my smile was SO BIG
it hurt
Somtimes, I would break out in a fit of uncontrolable laughter, and cheering
and then there was anxiousness
and worry
and anger
and relife
sometimes I would shake fro all the excitment
SO MANY EMOTIONS
from one book

and when I finally reached the end,
4 days later at what I want to say was 2:30 am
I finished
and I couldnt help but scream
a long
squeaky
loud-as-hell
SCREAM
(I woke my parents up)

it was all over
harry won
I couldnt stop crying
I couldnt stop laughing, and crying
my body was shaking
my heart was pounding
I swear to god I had gone temporarily insane, I lost control of my limbs
BUT THEY DID IT!!!
all odds were against them
BUT THEY DID IT!!
Neville killed the snake
Mrs.Weasley kill Bellatrix
and Harry...got Voldemort
AT LAST

I was in such a state, I didnt even CARE that the epiloge was SO CHEEZY
at that moment of my life, I can honestly say, was like no other moment in my life
it was so...epic
so....magical
it was unbelievable
and then rest of the night, I stayed awake
I called alex at 3 and we talked about it non stop UNTIL 8
And I FINALLY fell asleep, and cuaght up with my 4 days missed

I remember waking up in time for dinner
ALL I COULD TALK ABOUT WAS HARRY POTTER

and then, at dinner, while there was a storm-watch on the TV
it hit me
harry potter was...over
suddenly, I was overcome with the darkest feelings ever
it...was over....
in essance, it honestly felt like my life was over
I literally cried for 2 weeks
every moment I gathered myself up to stop
I cried harder
it...was over
it was like losing my best friend
only concentrated
ten times worse
it was hard
but, I survived
mostly by going on the internet and reading reviews
looking at the MILLIONS of new fan arts popping up on the DA
listening to the old sountracks from the movies
chatting it up with my friends about the stuff that happened

and as time went on, I found, that I had been reluctant to read anything else while Harry potter was around
and now that it was over...I took advantage of my school library, stocked with old and interesting books
Mirror Mira
The Blue Mirror
Piratica
Eragon
The Princess Bride
and so many others
I missed harry potter SO MUCH
but, I knew I had to move on

So now, I have been reading twilight
I will admit, it isnt much compared to HP
(though I havent gotten very far)
mostly, its just squee worthy
(and I already hate edward, becuase the UGLIEST guy EVER will play him
the dude who played cedric in the HP movies)
but its so cute
maybe it'll get better

and avatar ended yesterday
I LOVE THAT SHOW
so I am too afriad to watch the end
(I watch episodes online)
I mean, what are the chances TWO great things
(one greater than the other, by far)
end at the SAME TIME of year
whats a fan-girl to do?
;___;


I suppose...in a way
this is a memorial of Harry Potter
A memorial to the book that, quite frankly
changed my life
I grew up with it
Harry Potter, in an odd sort of way
RAISED me
and I base alot of my choices on the things I read in the book
it taught me SO many vauble lessons
like how raw nerve, and cleverness can pay off
and how true friendship is priceless

yes...this is a memorial

and a reminder of the fact that....
I havent picked Deathly Hallows up since

today, breifly, I did
I read a few snipets of the 7th
I havent even touched the book since last summer
but, the feelings that the book gave me
JUST FROM READING A FEW PAGES
(ok...I couldnt resist...a whole chapter)
I realize that...harry potter isnt GONE
its just waiting for me to re-explore it
that the magic in books
they never end
they just get a little more familer each time

I think its time to fully re-read the 7th
it'll be like my first time again
it'll be nice to go home
:)

I SPENT TODAY DOING ABSOLUTLY NOTHING
I WATCHED SALAD FINGERS
SPEND 4 HOURS WATCHING A PLAY-THROUGH OF 'AMERICAN MCGEES ALICE'
AND I WENT TO MY GHETTO ASS AUNTS HOUSE FOR AND HOUR BECUASE MY MOM DRAGGED ME THERE 

YAY AMERICA

this was a pointless journal
but its 11:00
and I wanted to post something before 12 


I pretty much spent all day observing in the GD go down the crapper
although I did take some pretty pictures of myself today 

 



 



 


Hope everyone had a good holiday anyway
it was nice not to be in geometry
although I have a take home test I should get to


but I am not going to
muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa


procrastination rules G








OMFG
YOUTUBE IS NOT WORKING
D:

Well, this is my new anthem 
(nix, the blonde part)
:)


Oh yes queen latifa
I would follow you to the ends of the earth
my gosh i would



Bring on that pecan pie
Pour some sugar on it
Sugar don't be shy

Scoop me up a mess
Of that chocolate swirl
Don't be stingy
I'm a growing girl

I offer big love
With no apology
How can I deny the world
The most of me

I am not afraid
To throw my weight around
Pound by pound by pound
Because I'm Big, Blonde and Beautiful
Face the fact
It's simply irrefutable

No one wants a meal
That only offers the least
When girl we're servin up
The whole damn feast

Slice me off a peice
Of that hog head cheese
Then take a look inside
My book of recipes
Now don't you sniff around
For something fluffy and light
We need a man who brings
A man-size appetite
We'll use a pinch of salt
And a dash of spice
We'll let you lick the spoon
Because it tastes so nice

We'll keep it in our oven
'Till it's good and hot
Keep on stirring until it hits the spot
Because I'm.....

Big, Blonde and Beautiful
There is nothing 'bout us
That's unsuitable
Why sit in the bleachers
Timid and afraid
When Edna
You look the whole parade!

They said white has might
And thin is in
Well thats just bull
Cause ladys, big is back
And as for black, it's beautiful

All shapes and sizes follow me
Who wants a twig
When you can climb the whole tree 


Yes sir
tru fax my chilcren
true facts


I'll post something worth reading later
<333333333333

So today was FATHERS DAY
and I decided to treat my daddy to go see Indiana Jones

AND IT WAS AWESOME
OMG HAROLD FORD STILL HAS IT
AND SHIA IS OMGSOWONDEFUL

-ahem-

I swear, when shaia came into the movie, I squealed
My dad gave me the biggest 'WTF' looks ever
But it really was a good movie
lots of action, but not alot of gore
and you dont really see that these days
so it was really nice
no to mention, it has a wonderful storyline
lots os twists, turns, and whatnot
also, it was really nice to spend time with my dad


[WARNING: long, angry, rant comming up]
Lately, things have been really hard for him
mom has this dream of opening a bistro, and thats great
hes a good husband, and he stands by her
but shes SO demanding
shes mean, and controlling, and uncompromisable
it has to be what shes wants, when she wants it, and how she wants it
And I dont think she understands how much he gives her
he works EVERYDAY in the bistro to help her make opening night
all she does is complian
he puts HIS dreams on the line
so that she can selfishely achieve hers, and GIVE HIM NO THANKS afterward!
he sacrifices HIS time and HIS money
to help get her what she wants
even though when he does come through and does his best
ITS NEVER IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER
she always has to be right
it always has to ber her way
she always has to proove herself
I mean, maybe if she was nice about it
it wouldnt be bad at all
but NO
when he TRIES SO HARD
to DO HIS BEST
to better her OWN SELFISH DREAM
all she can manage to do is bitch and complian, and make his life a living hell

You know, sometimes I really HATE my mom
I love her, but I just HATE what she does
the older I get, the more my perseption of my parents change
She is a terrible person
She always has to make people feel like crap
she always wants to be rewarded for things, when she NEVER returns the favor
She always has to overly-proove her power
she ALWAYS has to wear the pants (even though she gets insulted when people suggest it)
She always has to intiminate people
she always has to be the winner
and she can never learn to turn the other cheek
she always wants POWER
just becuase you have a dream, dosent give you the right to step on people who love you to get there
my poor father is a man SHE BROUGH HERE from a another country
FROM HIS HOME
he is alien here
he is only here for her and the life he made here
but with the way she treats him, it makes me wonder if she really loves him like I know he loves her
my father loves my mother
if he didnt, he wouldnt have given up his home for her
but now, I am wondering if love...is...
well...enough

she is always yelling at him, cornering him, and prooving him wrong
degrading him into nothing
he hardly ever leaves the house
(unless, (of course), its with her)
he does everything for her
and he takes her shit EVERY DAY
I have watched him grow old prematurly becuase of her
I have watched him bottle things up until its unbarable becuase of her
I have watched him tear himself down, BECUASE OF MY BITCHY MOTHER

Its not like I havent TRIED to talk to them both about it
but shell just talk over him and say 
'everything is fine, mind your own business'
or EVEN FUCKING WORSE she says
'your too young to understand.'
I HAVE EYES
I HAVE A BRIAN
I HAVE SENCE
and the BEST
I KNOW HUMANS 
I analyze them
I study them
I understand them
I know what I see
I dont know everything, yes
but I know that there is a problem
and you know what?
I AM SICK OF HER PUSHING MY FATHER AROUND
I am fed up with her bullshit
and I have made a promise to myself
I WILL PROTECT HIM FROM HER
after that night a few months ago when he came home in tears
(becuase he did something wrong after she put so much pressure on him to do it right 
and then BLAMED HIM when it was an accident)
and I couldnt console him
I knew that I would NEVER let that happen agian
I would never let him be so hurt, and let him think that hes alone
and I will NEVER see him cry over her like that agian 
(it was litterally the worst moment of my life. I remember, he came home cursing and breaking things. I asked him what was wrong and he just started talking about how he messed up and it was his fault and that she told him to do it right and junk. and then his voice broke and I saw a tear. I just froze. I TRIED To console him, but I couldnt deal with it, I was in utter shock. All I could manage to do was tell him that everything would be OK and that he should just eat something, watch some TV and relax. Then I ran upstiars and called my mom, crying and yelling at her to fix what she did. I will NEVER foget that night. It was litterally, one of the worst nights of my life, just becuase I felt so HELPLESS)

Now, I dont want it to seem like me and him are super close
we arent
I mean, I LOVE my father
more than I think he knows
but we are diffrent
VERY differrent
things, sometimes, are akward between us
when we are alone together, there are usually long puases
we just have nothing to talk about

he has this habit of  CONSTANTLY trying to teach me things 
but, becuase I love him
I LISTEN
(which is more than I can say for my mother who just talks over him when he is just trying to help in the only way he knows how)
and when he dosent understand something
(which happens often, since he isnt, and never will be, used to american ways)
I explian it until he does
we dont have too much in common either
hes very shy in social situations, and he has no social skills or carisma
I am not shy (at least around white people) and I have ALOT of social skills 
(or acting/drama skills, i dont know which
I dont like sports
he does
he isnt much of a talker
but I AM
we are VERY different, and it just makes this weird between us
so in the past years I have made a habit of avoiding quality time with us
but recently, I feel like he thinks that I am ignoring him
and with mom in the BITCHY mode she is ALWAYS in
I feel like now, more than ever, he needs me
and I cant let him fall into despair that hes alone
So lately, I have been forcing myself to do things with him
go shopping
go to the movies
do some yardwork
anything to let him know that I love him
and even though i usually dread doing these things
they usually come out OK
[RANT MODE IS NOW OFF]

So I know hes been having a rough year, so I decided to do something nice for fathers day
I made him a nice (5-minute) card 
and mom made his favorite breakfast
(becuase she dosent allow me to make food in the kitchen)
and that was our morning
later, we went to concord mills and watched INDANA JONES
which
was
awesome

he used to watch it as a kid, so I think he really enjoyed it
though, he made a point to tell me that the other movies were better
the best part: movies dont require talking
so its the PERFECT activity for us
and afterward he got curious and walked with me around concord mills
he has never been in it before, so he was exploring everything
and I will admit
IT WAS WEIRD
he is so akward
he kept stopping to look at silly things like random kiosks the cars parked in the middle of the walkway for show
he dragged me into to the lowes moter speedway area just to look at goo-carts
and we went into a perfume store just to look for a colonge that he fore the name of 20 years ago
(we found it tho. Its Eau Savage by cristian dior)
and it may sound like silly things, but he was SUCH a spazz about it
he has no social skills
but I didnt care
yeah, it was a little embarassing being in the mall with him
and I saw like, 3 people I knew and i completly ignored them
But it's FATHERS day
not jessie-is-embarassed-of-her-alien-dad day
so I sucked it up, laughed at all his jokes, and showed him the mall
after a while, it got really fun
we went into black lion and luaghed at the overly priced junk and compared art tastes
I took him into earth-bound and we messed with the hermit crabs in the tank
and on the ride home, we just talked about indiana jones and made plans to go see 'Walle', and 'Get Smart'
then tonight at dinner, i told him happy father day and he said thank you
like, a genuine, in my face, THANK YOU
and I kew that everything, for the moment, was going to be OK

wow, this was a longer journal than I expected
 Once I started talking, I couldnt stop
 This has really been eating me up lately, so I am glad I wrote it down 

right now the two of them are downstairs, cheering on some basketball game
they sound fine
so hopefully, for now, there will be calm waters
but man, I miss the days when i was SO sure that nothing would ever come between my parents
now, I am fighting just to keep things civil

but i still cant help but say to myself
'You did good jessie, you did good'
I really did
:)


EDIT:
MOTHERFUCK
its 11;30
AND I HAVE MY FIRST DAY OF GEOMETRY SUMMER CLASSES TOMORROW
;_______;

I was on gaia
and while lurking around the GEEDEE
I found a very interesting thread
made me think
:)

it was one of those 'what turns you on' threads
and of course it was crawling with n00bs 
but at the same time
it really made me think
whats somethings about the opposite sex that I just adore?


freckles
dirty fingernails
virrrrgiiiiins
thier stupid secret little hobbies (something funny, like knitting)
long hair
when they vomit
happy trials
glasses( they have to be blind like me)
when they dance like retards
pale skin
when they are pretty much at any moment of weakness (sickness, sadness, and everything imbetween)
curly hair
muffin top
braces
when they cry
if they can sing
when they whisper in my ear
taller than me
when they want it so bad(<3)
shyness
eyes
'worn in' hands
scars
when they get worried
the way they walk
when they read
when an embarassing situation rises and they blush
when they happen to like KEANE
the fact that I can wear thier clothes
when they luagh 
when they stare
CHUBBY GUYS
the 'cupcake'
when they make me think
when I make them think
when they act like retards
when they tell me about thier day


this made me think
and smile
and a get a little horny
off to porno tube
:D