Well...this is my first entry I suppose. Yes. First entry. Delightful.

I warn, to anyone reading this: I AM EMO. Yes. I admit it. I complain about my [not] horrible life, ALL THE TIME. I am always looking on the darker side of things. I let what people say effect me. I am an open book no one wants to read. I also come up with phrases like that all the time. If you hate emo people, or simply people who display their emotions in hope for attention, then I suggest you leave. I really doubt you will find anything worth while in here.

Now, to the rest of you who are still with me, I warm as well: You REALLY shouldn’t read this journal. I mean, couldn’t you be out helping society instead of listening to my badly spelled whining? Point. 

So, for the surely miniscule amount of insane people who are still reading, I commend you on your bravery and stupidity. Remember, you may turn back anytime and forget this ever happened. 

No? Are you sure?

Well, you asked for it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Because that would be lying

:)

WHINE ON:

SO I got an Italian exchange student I LOVE HER. Her name is Claudia. She is SO much fun, and she’s lively, and just a genuinely sweet girl. She is here for 10 days. She came here on Friday, it is now the next Friday and so far the week has gone fine. And today went fine. The party that was today went fine. Everything is...fine...

so then WHY in the name of cheese covered oranges AM I SO DEPRESSED?

I went to mall today with my exchange student. I got out of school early, we went shopping, and everything was fine. I felt GREAT. My mom even gave me more money the usual 20$ she gives me (she thinks you can buy the WORLD on 20$.). Me and Courtney (who is a potential new friend. I am discovering her true personality, so I am treading lightly. She’s a bit...different for the way I thought she was when I first met her. It’s a good thing, but I have to adjust.) Went to get me a 'colorful' shirt. (I wear allot of blacks and grays and whites. Its not that I don’t like color, it’s just that I don’t want to bring attention to myself. Also, black is slimming, and it matches with anything. I can blend in with the crowd that I don’t belong in.) She picked such bright colors, colors I have NEVER worn before. Yellows, bright pinks, and RED. Eventually I settled for red, and accessorized with black. And lots of it.

So we went to the party my exchange students were having over someone else's house. I looked nice (apparently), and I felt nice. I even danced (which isn’t something new, I just have to get a little comfortable and be with someone I know.). I was dancing with everyone! Now, the side story comes in. Courtney's exchange student likes the host of the exchange student who I have a crush on. Confusing? Most likely. Let’s just say, Irene (who is Courtney’s ES) likes Ka'lil, who is hosting Matia, who is the ES that I like. During the party, Matia and I danced. We talked just a little, but not much. He was of course much more interested talking to the other girls. I mean, I don’t blame him. They are (warning, jealously ahead) skinny, lively, and very pretty. I understand him wanting to hang out with those kinds of girls, because he fits with them. I am not too interesting, and I somewhat clam up, or get a little TOO friendly when I am around guys. Those girls are...natural (for the most part). So I wasn’t the center of his attention (though, I doubt I would be able to handle it, even if I was.).

So much dancing ensued, talking, pizza eating, and such. Then I sat down and Ka’lil said hi to me. I know him from M.U.N. (model united nations) club. I saw Irene sitting over to the left of my and so I asked Ka’lil if her would take a picture with her. He agreed and in the picture he kissed her on the cheek. It was...strangely cute. I wasn’t jealous (for once in my pathetic life). I was actually happy for her! And she was so grateful, she talked Matia into allowing me to kiss him on the cheek in a picture (it isn’t really a big deal I suppose, because Italians greet each other with kisses on the cheek. It is normal.). Then...out of no where, I just called my mom to leave, I didn’t WANT to leave, but felt like...I didn’t deserve to be there. Like I didn’t belong there, even though I was having a great time! People were talking to me, Matia was dancing with me, taking pictures...but suddenly I just felt...wrong.

So I left. In the car, all I could think about was how:
1. I wish I hadn’t left
2. Why did I leave?
3. I think I am letting my life slip away
4. Do I feel like I don’t deserve to be with normal people?

(Then of course, my father decided to try and lecture me on how going to parties and him having to pick me up at 10:20 at night is 'inconvenient'. (I was actually really offended. HE signed me up to have an ES; he should take the responsibility to driving me around. I can’t drive, it isn’t my fault. Plus, he AGREED to take me/pick me up before I even went) But I just told him that I was 'done’ and stayed silent the rest of the ride.)

So when go home. I felt so horrible, that I created a live journal, and now, I am whining. 

I simply feel that horrible…

So here comes the really bad part, the self evaluation part that I don’t think that ANYONE should read. Protect yourselves children. Remember, it isn’t too late to turn around.

-sigh- so you wont listen? Well then, brace yourselves.

-deep breath-

I just feel like I don’t belong. I don’t know why I left the party. I really don’t understand why I couldn’t stay. Maybe I wanted to be dramatic. I don’t really know. All I know is that suddenly, I feel ashamed for going. I feel ashamed for thinking that I could blend with other people. Those girls at the party, they could just go onto the dance floor and a guy or someone will just walk up to them and dance. I, have to actually FIND my partner, or plead one of my friends to come with me. When I try to gain some courage to go by myself, the crowd seems to gravitate to me, and then, from me. Suddenly no one wants to dance when I do. Those Italian girls and the other host girls blend so well with each other. They can take effortless pictures, smile, and automatically look good. They can just sit about and not have to worry about smoothing out their clothes so their fat doesn’t show. They don’t have to nervously take pictures with a guy they think is cute, just to remember him, and look back on those pictures the think of a guy you knew from the beginning you would never have. That’s what I do. They just talk to him. They actually GET somewhere. Sure people may say, 'oh you look so pretty tonight!' or 'come on the dance floor with us!' but when I actually get there, I feel unwanted, and alone. And worst of all, I feel helpless. Like I can’t do anything about it. Like my life is always going to be like this. It’s always going to pass me by. I am 17 and I have never been to a real house party, never drunk, never smoked, I’m’ still a virgin, never skipped classes, and never been on the bus alone. Nothing. I feel like, the best years of my life are already gone, and that no change to ever live. Maybe I am one of those people that will never live life. I will always watch people, pretty, skinny, people who are charismatic and normally live life, and wish to myself that I could be an ounce of what they were. I feel like, I should honestly just...end it all now. Yeah. I went there. Suicide. 

You see? Just there I started to cry. The last 4 or 5 lines of that paragraph are enough to make me cry. Just the thought I suicide, happy death, are enough to make me cry. I'm obviously scared of dying. Because there is no plan in the after life. The reason why I don’t do anything now, the reason why I don’t live life, is because life is unplanned as well. I am afraid of both. I just wish I could go somewhere...else. 

I don’t understand I have these feelings like this, in small bursts. I have been over weight most of my life. Since about...6th grade. I try to get used to it. First to try and love myself, then try and hate myself, then just ignore it. Nothing seems to work. All I do is think about: ‘well, when I get skinny I can’t wait to _________. I have always been teased; therefore I have never been too social. My personality is always at extremes. Either too outgoing, or too shy. I am all talk, and no action. I am boy crazy, because I know I don’t have a chance with anyone ( To back this, I will state now that I have had only 2 loves in my 17 year-old life. one, from middle school, Trey. he was a guy I 'dated' for 7 months without his knowledge. it took me  a while to get over him, and it turned me off of black guys forever. I got over it in 7th grade. Then next was a guy named Kyle, who I dated on and off for two years in freshman and sophomore year. We have...somewhat of a pointless fairytale. First kiss at Disneyland, we couldn’t live without either if we broke up, we keep 'discovering' each other each time we dated, and then, quite funnily, he just fell out of love with me. He just...didn’t love me anymore. That’s when I realized,(full force, and not the ‘oh, I THINK that I know that I really love him) that I truly loved him, really, full smack in the friggin face LOVE HIM, and that life wasn’t worth living without him. Ever since he stopped loving me (or…did he ever even love me in the first place), I have felt more insecure, untrusting, ugly, and alone than ever. To make my depression more acceptable, I told LIES to my friends about how he did all these terrible things to me, that he never did. The most he ever did was make fun of me. One day I’ll tell them the truth. Maybe on my death bed. We broke up about...10 months ago (the anniversary is coming up soon...) and still, I cry when I see him in the halls. I still get those girlfriend urges to go and hug him, and worst of all, I still have dreams about him. It’s enough to simply want to die, but again, as I stated, I am afraid of death. But...moving on...). I am VERY insecure. I act flirtatious or mean to cover up everything. I don’t trust anyone. I try to be mean, and talk about people, and treat my friends badly to cover up for how unhappy I am. If you met me, you would honestly think there was nothing wrong (unless you caught one of the things I left slip out, like my occasional emo comments, which, I laugh about afterwards to hide that they were actually emo. EVERYTHING I do is a disguise for me. The worst part is that, I am ugly on the outside, AND on the inside. Its hard enough getting people to accept the fact that I am over weight, ugly, and unfashionable, its not worth it for them to discover I am actually awkward, afraid of everything, and obnoxious. I just feel all wrong. But I wonder, what it would feel to be...right, I suppose. I don’t really know if I have ever felt 'right'. I suppose it’s not something you feel. 

After a while...I don’t even know what I am talking about. I just have a lot on my mind right now. I am just sick of being in this life that I hate. For one day, just one day, I wish that I could feel like I was LIVING. Not like I am just alive to be alive. Like, I don’t really want to be here, but the alternative isn’t that much better. I feel like I am backed against a wall here. I just....don’t want to be at this point...anymore. I have felt this way for years. It has sort of become a lifestyle.

So now I am somewhat wishing I stayed at the party. It was a sleep over too. I always tell people I don’t do well at sleepovers, which is apparently true. Most people say I am 'obnoxious' over night. I wanted to, but something in my mind just told me no. I don’t deserve to be with these people. They are normal. They look normal. They act normal. They fit. I am the out cast, looking in. Its best if I let them have fun, and comfort myself with the fact that I just made someone else night better.

I should just be happy that my night went as well as it did. Nothing embarrassing happened. I even got a (probably ugly on my part) picture with Matia. I should be happy that I danced a little. I should be happy that I allowed myself one piece of pizza (because I usually don’t eat in front of people). I should be happy.

But I'm just...not...

You have been warned.